Light up

Not the End

So it's been a while 12 months since my last post... I stumble across this blog by accident and reading it again made me aware of how much has happened in the months that have passed. I somehow wish I could say I miss G less but I don't and have come to accept that I never will. G my darling darling man you have scarred me. My soul , my heart, my words, my thoughts, my beliefs, my deeds you have etched on me and I will be forever gratful for these changes.

When I last wrote the darkmess of depression weighed heavy I truly believed that my life was to be a waiting room. Lonely, lost, sterile, cold just waiting out my time on this planet to die and maybe meet G again. A place where I took to harming myself just to feel anything at all. A place where missing my lover was all that existed. Dismanteling all other realtionships in my life in order to perpetuate the pain and loss.

BUT.... I am blessed by people who love me despite how I respond to life. To those who reached through all the mess and confusion to pull me out.

I AM LOVED and I AM LOVABLE

The astounding depth of my own self loathing intertwined with grief make a toxic combination. I have learned a lot in the past year. Grief has altered me irrevoacably.

So where do I go from here ... do I continue this blog ???? My life is still minus you ... always will be G.

But is not the end .......

A New Landscape

Widow...what a word, I have been letting it settle around me, seeing how fit what it like to walk in to say it out loud. Immersed in  writing and reading lots of reading in an online community of people sharing their experience, strength and hope with each other. So deeply appreciative of the experience of being able to learn from kindred spirits.

As I devour and absorb the journey's of others who that lost their spouses and been generous with individual widow experiences, I try and chart my progress through grief. Still trying to claim some shred normalcy in my life and thinking. Attempting to make sense of my grieving , reassuring myself I am not too weird am I?

Though reading from other lives in a variety of time frames from their moment of loss, I am confronted with my own expectations, judgment and fears of what life should be like after losing G.

What will my landscape look like now.. already afraid of intimacy afraid to be hurt. My very own self imposed guidelines are completely screwed up by losing  G I did not factor his death into my plan.. not even remotely so here I  am in the grief wilderness trying to make sense of all the new information I am learning. Building a whole new world...slowly but building all the same. One day at a time ...one step at a time..

Tis' the Season of Trepiadation

So it looming nothing I can do will delay it, but this year all I want for Christmas is for it not to happen...I am not sure how I feel or how I will be at the most wonderful time of the year but I do know it will be missing a certain someone special. I know I am not alone in wishing  that Santa would bump into Dexter or some such.

For the cool factor I would like to claim that I am not all that chistmassy but truth be told I do so enjoy all the sparke and glitter  that december brings. Not especially into food or family . But the trimmings yes decorations and fairy lights . As a self confessed lover of all that is shiny. Yuletide brings the perfect excuse for me to tap into my inner Liz T.

As yet 2011 there is no Tink's tinsel-mania that I am able to tap into. In past years I have been known to clap my hands in joy at the sight a twinkle of tinsel. G even bought home a tree with inbuilt twinkle and sparkle one it was plugged in the wall and that was before I tarted it up with more glitter. I am pretty sure he thought that if it already glittered I would add no more ERR wrong I just ladened that fucker up till it was a fire hazard, You may laugh and I do not know why this is so but I LOVE SPARKLE so tinsel has the power to stop me in my tracks. Caught in sunlight or strategically placed retail lighting I am lost. Nothing is to twee or tacky god knows where it stems from maybe I hailed from Las Vegas in a past life. But there it is all I can do is roll with it.

Not this year though I have been in and wandered around the bauble aisles really trying to tempt myself but as yet have walked away with nothing, There is no festive mood brimming. Not even the slightest spark. My collegues are waiting for my annual tinsel chandelier ( yes I know but it is true...). I can see the homes priming and preening but all to no avail,.

So I have done most of the dutiful shopping already but currently lumped in heap on my dining room table waiting to be wrapped and tied. As for the rest .....

So what do you do to avoid Christmas...

This ain't Kansas

So I have found an online community where I fit.

Thank ya Jesssus

Sorry, but finding a place where what I say and feel are the norm, what relief there is in the compassion of a shared journey even if that journey is ugly. A place where I am not the only one questioning their sanity or experiencing the world in this way at this time. A place where I can see hope. That while I am unable to see past my own pain at this point that other have carved a path before me. I am grateful. I am not alone

I have a new label.....

Medicate my Grief

Can you medicate grief away ?

I can well I could....Bourbon, Valium, pot, coke the list goes on. But can my GP fix this with pills ?

Isn't this what I try so hard to fight, is this not the war I have wager for the past 10 years to live life on it own terms with no chemical intervention? Are SRI's not hypocrasy ..for gods sake I have not even taken codeine for a decade?

Is this life, grief or is it mental illness. I am now suppose to take drugs to accept. The sadness, wondering what the point of this existence is, the guilt, want to not live, missing him still all of this is this grief or am I depressed or has this broken me....

What difference will a script make? You know almost every day I get up, shower, clean, go to work, grocery shop,watch the TV, return the calls....do I really have to enjoy it too?

When is hurting too long...not enough ... just right. Will it stop all by itself or does it need intervention.

I swear if I hear the words "everyone is different" one more god damm time. Just tell me what is normal.

I think the past decade of life was pointed in the wrong direction. Except for G what was the point of it all...cause I know nothing after all. So much time wasted on the ramblings of a couple of drunks. WTF !!!

What have I missed ...... cause right now Just for Today it all means nothing. Life is no easier

When...

When ...when,when when ?

This is word is embedded in my brain, it is the only answer I want right now.Please tell me when?  It used to be why.

When will this pain end, When will I be OK again, When will my world be normal again, When will this be over

When ? Please tell me