A New Landscape

Widow...what a word, I have been letting it settle around me, seeing how fit what it like to walk in to say it out loud. Immersed in  writing and reading lots of reading in an online community of people sharing their experience, strength and hope with each other. So deeply appreciative of the experience of being able to learn from kindred spirits.

As I devour and absorb the journey's of others who that lost their spouses and been generous with individual widow experiences, I try and chart my progress through grief. Still trying to claim some shred normalcy in my life and thinking. Attempting to make sense of my grieving , reassuring myself I am not too weird am I?

Though reading from other lives in a variety of time frames from their moment of loss, I am confronted with my own expectations, judgment and fears of what life should be like after losing G.

What will my landscape look like now.. already afraid of intimacy afraid to be hurt. My very own self imposed guidelines are completely screwed up by losing  G I did not factor his death into my plan.. not even remotely so here I  am in the grief wilderness trying to make sense of all the new information I am learning. Building a whole new world...slowly but building all the same. One day at a time ...one step at a time..

Tis' the Season of Trepiadation

So it looming nothing I can do will delay it, but this year all I want for Christmas is for it not to happen...I am not sure how I feel or how I will be at the most wonderful time of the year but I do know it will be missing a certain someone special. I know I am not alone in wishing  that Santa would bump into Dexter or some such.

For the cool factor I would like to claim that I am not all that chistmassy but truth be told I do so enjoy all the sparke and glitter  that december brings. Not especially into food or family . But the trimmings yes decorations and fairy lights . As a self confessed lover of all that is shiny. Yuletide brings the perfect excuse for me to tap into my inner Liz T.

As yet 2011 there is no Tink's tinsel-mania that I am able to tap into. In past years I have been known to clap my hands in joy at the sight a twinkle of tinsel. G even bought home a tree with inbuilt twinkle and sparkle one it was plugged in the wall and that was before I tarted it up with more glitter. I am pretty sure he thought that if it already glittered I would add no more ERR wrong I just ladened that fucker up till it was a fire hazard, You may laugh and I do not know why this is so but I LOVE SPARKLE so tinsel has the power to stop me in my tracks. Caught in sunlight or strategically placed retail lighting I am lost. Nothing is to twee or tacky god knows where it stems from maybe I hailed from Las Vegas in a past life. But there it is all I can do is roll with it.

Not this year though I have been in and wandered around the bauble aisles really trying to tempt myself but as yet have walked away with nothing, There is no festive mood brimming. Not even the slightest spark. My collegues are waiting for my annual tinsel chandelier ( yes I know but it is true...). I can see the homes priming and preening but all to no avail,.

So I have done most of the dutiful shopping already but currently lumped in heap on my dining room table waiting to be wrapped and tied. As for the rest .....

So what do you do to avoid Christmas...

This ain't Kansas

So I have found an online community where I fit.

Thank ya Jesssus

Sorry, but finding a place where what I say and feel are the norm, what relief there is in the compassion of a shared journey even if that journey is ugly. A place where I am not the only one questioning their sanity or experiencing the world in this way at this time. A place where I can see hope. That while I am unable to see past my own pain at this point that other have carved a path before me. I am grateful. I am not alone

I have a new label.....

Medicate my Grief

Can you medicate grief away ?

I can well I could....Bourbon, Valium, pot, coke the list goes on. But can my GP fix this with pills ?

Isn't this what I try so hard to fight, is this not the war I have wager for the past 10 years to live life on it own terms with no chemical intervention? Are SRI's not hypocrasy ..for gods sake I have not even taken codeine for a decade?

Is this life, grief or is it mental illness. I am now suppose to take drugs to accept. The sadness, wondering what the point of this existence is, the guilt, want to not live, missing him still all of this is this grief or am I depressed or has this broken me....

What difference will a script make? You know almost every day I get up, shower, clean, go to work, grocery shop,watch the TV, return the calls....do I really have to enjoy it too?

When is hurting too long...not enough ... just right. Will it stop all by itself or does it need intervention.

I swear if I hear the words "everyone is different" one more god damm time. Just tell me what is normal.

I think the past decade of life was pointed in the wrong direction. Except for G what was the point of it all...cause I know nothing after all. So much time wasted on the ramblings of a couple of drunks. WTF !!!

What have I missed ...... cause right now Just for Today it all means nothing. Life is no easier

When...

When ...when,when when ?

This is word is embedded in my brain, it is the only answer I want right now.Please tell me when?  It used to be why.

When will this pain end, When will I be OK again, When will my world be normal again, When will this be over

When ? Please tell me

How much do you love

“Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.”

—	ORSON SCOTT CARD

Fat lil Fairy

Fat, plump,chubby, curvaceous, voluptuous, obese, tubby, wobbly, plus size

11 kilos are you kidding me.... that is how much weight I have gained in the past 5 months.

You would think that at the very least I could get from being in pain for soooo long is thinner. But NOOO not tubby Tink

Yes I know not very pc...I am not the poster child for self acceptance, actually I could be the poster child for self loathing... oh dear brain has trailed off into some weird tangent..what was I saying oh year ...11 kilos oh dear...and you know getting it off is going to be filled with all sorts of nasties...like the need to buy bigger pants just to begin with...no wonder widows where black

Friken grief weight .......

thank you poison

A week-end planned at home alone..or so I thought......
My whole community has left the city for faraway places ..or so I thought......
Solitude..or so I thought.....
Time to dance alone with my pain....or so I thought

But I was surprised as I have kept company of some fine angles ...never how I would think they would present to me no feminin charm rather bubbling with testosterone, tattooed, bespectacled, paunchy, bald and a little goofy....they stood by me with kindness, delighted me with their wit,laughed with me were protective in a sweet way .

A surprise that opens my mind.

These guys certainly did that in a way that was unexpected, this morning I am thinking new thoughts and the tiny sparkle of hope is a glimmer. Let me see how long it will last ....

But Thank You

Thank you Drew

Drew Barrymore thank you you made me LOL watching you in "going the distance"

I laughed, giggled, chuckled, smiles, pissed myself,grinned a real true belly laugh and thank you

You asked.....

Do you really listen, do I ? I can not seem to be heard it is as though I have lost the ability to talk in my native language I talk to people but they do not hear me it is not as though I am saying anything irrational or bizarre. well OK the wanting not live bit not completely Disney ... but still 2011 is has been a very sucky year , I am feeling as though is not that abnormal to wonder what the point is.... anyway aside from that. I say no thank you to people and no one hears they keep asking or worse hearing a completly different answer.  

Do you ask as question and have my answer already formulated in your brain. Sure I acquiesce you may want something else for me you may think that you answer will benefit me more than mine. Though you asked ME and I honoured you with my truth. I did not lie, bullshit you or piss in your pocket.

Tink do you want to come on holiday with us it will be so much fun ..... no thank you babe I appreciate the offer but I do not want to go the coast with you.... how much more clear can that be but NO after this response on three different occasions..... in frustration I say ...please count me out as this is the place G and I went camping so I really do not feel as though this is a place I am ready to visit. The response I get get is oh don't worry we are not going right there but up the road a bit....why don't you think about it. What did I just speak in chinese I said no.....but it get better now I have let her down OMFG

So what was the right answer?

Gee that will make all the fucking difference wont  a few km's up the road from where me and my dead partner  made memories together.... seriously girl as long as you are not alone....I don't mind reliving those memories that 5 months later....are you fucken serious if you ask me something then LISTEN for the answer it my not be the one you want but it is MY answer

So what is solution ? I don't know well I do avoidance and lying ....but let call this having some space and ummm look I can't think of a nice pc word from lying to you ...

I say acceptance you heard depression. I say freedom you hear suicide. I say relief  you hear relapse. I say reality you hear mental illness. I say broken you hear grief. I say insane you hear sad. I say need peace you hear need medication

I say pain I hope you hear pain. 

Crazy sits here

So my burning stay awake for hours question of the moment is -  Am I Sane?

The Tink answer is nooooo ....though how I feel and think or rather don't feel as the case may be but it is proving somewhat more difficult too ascertain a definitive result. You would think it would be relatively easy to work out if I am crackers or not , wouldn't you? But No not so straight forward,.

No one wants to say you are a fruitcake, though hearing it may be quiet comforting to me right now. it is apparently quiet alright to diagnose any number of other  labels  depressed ,sad, grieving, confused or maybe having a bad day..... not to worry it will pass !! You say that to me and I might just smack you  - sorry your majesty I plead crazy.

What do you ask make this fairy woman question her own soundness of mind. Well I want to die ... even I know that's not right. I don't mean just today, but every day  for the past 5 months. Prayers for heart attack, aneurysm, death in sleep or being ploughed into by a speeding truck have come to no avail. Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my breath to keep, I should die before I wake - I will be forever grateful  I try not to obsess about all the ways  I could take matters into my own hands... I said I try. Don't stress this is no suicide note but I need to work it out ...that is my sanity or lack there of as the case maybe.

Not only am I isolating from people in my life but actively attempting to dismantle relationships , I wouldn't say consciously but really doing very well at driving people away. Not that I find it alarming, actually quiet relieving since no one seem to understand me (another tick in the nutter's-r-us column).

Guess there are some of the big questions going on too nothing revolutionary just the regular ,  why are we (me) here and so forth ... no answers (well are are there any) - but right at this point in my life, life appears quiet pointless to me. live - die, same -same. I am not exactly curing cancer here people just another blob of matter.

Now all in all this should be a straight up check in the insane box, except there is this part of me that knows where my mind is at present is not normal  - so if I was insane then I would not be aware of this would I ?

5 Months

So as the months go on my self expectations rise and  I fail to meet my own criteria. I am nuts I am sure of it. Grief has uncovered the crazy that I really am, it is not the cause but the pain and reflection that is the consequence of loss has snapped the veneer of sanity that I have lived within.

I still find myself attempting to function through what I think life should be like ( auto pilot is on ), but the pretence is exhausting and I am out of alternatives and options for the reason for my own existence. I am not a genius and all though my head never is quiet - I am not a thinker or ponderer, I just have a un-tuned radio embedded  in my skull emitting annoying white-noise all the time.

Is this some kind of cry for help FUCK yes. My God, if you have the answers then don't hold back cause I do not have a fucking clue - I said it I don't know how ... why ... I know nothing at all about life. So all my life experiences bring me here to this point knowing nothing at all .

I need not all the answers to the world , peace, injustice , environmental damage, racism, poverty  not at all . Just one question ... what is the point of ME?

sanity

Querying my sanity.... thinking I am seriously screwed up.

News Flash....what ever made you think you were normal - all it took was one nudge (admittedly a sizable nudge - but one that was unavoidable all the same)

So where from here
                                          step one Own your crazy ..... tick
                                          step two ???????

It's called a process

Attempting ,to try, making an effort, giving it a go, make a run at, do your best , strive, tackle, seek, strive, experiment, endeavour , pursue, push on, undertake , practise

Learning , prepare , improve, brush up on, gain , train,  grasp,  imbibe, memorize, peruse, study, commit , teach, taught, absorb, retrain, attain

Minus , missing , less , absence, gap , deficient, negative, gone, solo, space, amputated, diminished ,alone , broken, not right , empty

Process, path, way , journey, travel, trip, road, direction, action, doing ,  proceeding , movement, steps , means, formation , progress, working  forward , backward, not static, 

and back to attempting......

hmmm

so climbing out... bit steeper than 1st anticipated ! Not giving up just ..... not hurting myself today.

Climbing Out

Ok I want out of this pit that I have exiled myself to, so how do I get out ? Any suggestions are gratefully accepted and maybe attempted. I need a plan love a plan always have any opportunity to list and spreadsheet I am all over ( I will deal with the control stuff later) right now I need to reconnect with my life. Rather than trying to imagin what my life will be with G absence I am going to have to go out and do it.

So here goes I have spoke to HP sure he/she/its on my side. This is my gratitude list for today 8/10/2011
friends who love me unconditionally

• my house
• my job
• for naughtiest dog Jax 
• that I have done no permant damage to my self
• summer is coming 
• 10 years is on the horizon
• tinsel is in the air 

Not bad for off the top of my head huh. So I am off to walk (have to try and move some of this winter weight I have accumulated) ...see you soon  xoxo

Right Here Right Now

Being present in the moment seems so elusive, I've grasped the concept but OMG so hard to do between the past haunting and tormenting me and the future of  my shoulds and musts staying grounded in now is nigh on impossible. It is reactionary of course I still wake every morning reach across and remember again so if I am unable to slide back into sleeping my head as if it is on auto pilot starts to formulate how life could be without G  sped off into some fantasy future where the pain of grief has lessened and I am living a life of the perfect person - not at all achievable but fairy tales are better than today aren't they. is this how Enid lived in her head?

Of course when I am not visiting Once upon a time... I am off in the land of Before When, filled with recollections, memories where G was alive and I can remember when... almost like I am endeavouring to carve every moment we spent together into my brain afraid I may forget a moment of my time with G. Knowing If I had the chance I would do it all over again the good, bad, ugly, mundane all over again in less than a heartbeat. I can spent hours looking at his photos reliving the time before the shutter lens snapped. Though we all know I won't get the chance so this place I go to is all I have my time with G so very very precious I am clinging on to all of reminiscences that I have.

How can I and why would I stay in the present when it still holds so much loss and pain, would you..really would you ? I don't know what is normal at this point. Sometimes I do not want to do what you think, the books say or even what I know is best for me. I just want to get through a day where there is an absence of torture.
So please forgive me ignore me do whatever it is you need to do to say present in your very own moment and I will continue to work towards mine. I will get there I am sure I will....just for today I am weary of this journey.

Live

As well grow up we learn that even the person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than one and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when your was broken. You will fight with you best friend. You'll blame new love for things old loves did. You will cry because time is passing you too fast  and eventually you will lose someone you love before your ready.


So take too many pictures, laugh till you cry - often and LOVE like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds is a minute of happiness you will never get back but you can etch it in you memory and carry it forever. 

Tell me HOW

So here it is 4 long agonising months after losing G, one god-awful day after what should have been his 37th birthday. What do I know ?  I miss him so still and accepting that he will never again walk through my door is turning out to be harder than this fairy had first anticipated. It's not like I believe he will rise from the dead (One way to get on 60 minutes huh) but his presence in my life has been so encompassing for so long I don't recall what life was like before G.


So life without him is still revealing itself to me, 4 months of sitting on my couch ( well it was nasty icy winter after all)  trying to work out the best way through this grief, the best way to fix it, get over it, heal thy self. It ain't gonna happen is it? I am doing the psychologist, the journaling, the praying, meetings, talking blah blah blah all in some vain attempt not to feel the heart wrenching pain. None of it work I still hurt I now just know why and what pattern I have and pages of ramblings about it, I am not saying all the work did not have some benefit but it wasn't morphine....it still aches like a MOTHER-FUCKER.

And is this the mark of life the ache we leave behind, the fact that my world has now been so indelibly stamped by G it will never be the same as it was before I met him.. His permanence's in my life is like a scar or tattoo that may fade but will always be present.

So HOW please tell me HOW to let him go on his path and move forward on mine......HOW not to lay blame be it my self or you ....teach me HOW to get to acceptance. HOW is it those I walk among in grief are not on their knees screaming out their pain

And if you tell me time I swear that I will slap you up side the head...I swear it.

Today naughty dog and I went for a walk in the sun, played with the ball and found a perfect flower ..... all the while with the chasamist void that is G.... I miss him

unconsciousness is the only answer

My comment on this day official the 2nd most fucked up day of 2011.... there is not enough sleeping hours, red liquorish or foxtel to make this day even the slightest bit more bearable. Solution, unconsciousness

22 September 2011

G should be 37 years old today but he is not and never still , the perennial 36 year old .....
I should be waking up next to you cuddling you but I am not...
I should be able to tease you about growing older but I am not.....
The year ahead stars for Virgo should be read but they wont....
There should be prettily wrapped gifts of surprise and love but there isn't ....

Today 37 years ago a wonderful soul came to being in you G for that reason alone 22 September will always be a special day for me.... miss you so babe, You have no idea how much it hurts here without you.

They Say.....

It has been a while....just not felt like it but here I am again

THEY SAY…….time will heal (they can not tell me when)

......he is in a better place (they cant tell me where though…and they have never been there)

......I can feel him (well I can’t so what does that mean?)

......how you feel is normal (define normal)

......I miss him too (really !!!  really !!!)

......Are you ok  (NO)

......It will get better (when)

.......You need to let go (can they tell me how to do that)

.......How are you (they don’t want the real answer)

.......It will get better (guess what no it isn't)

........you need to accept he is gone (they didn't spend time with his body so what makes them think I don't accept he is dead)

They care for me, love me and drive me mental sometimes. I thought I could plan my way through grief, if I did all the right things maybe it wouldn't hurt so much for so long .....guess again Tink. Hang on and try to take some solace in the words and existence of those that have gone before you

So tell me what is the point ?

Feeling like this is a losing battle. The moroseness that has been woven into my being leave no glimmer of light. The tears come all the time with no warning or respect for the environment I am in. Directionless in all areas of my life. I get up go to work seems the only function I have currently.

Wake up, get out of bed, shower, dress get my self from my house to my work place that's is all there is mu only purpose. Have I really become this shadow, a dark figure with no depth or light. Each way I turn for guidance leaves me wanting...and I keep coming back to this same space please make the pain go away. I know how to do this and the resulting consequences seem to matter less with passing time...actually some of the consequences are starting to look inviting.

I am on my knees asking for help and guidance but the is none... maybe that is the truth. I am praying to nothing, my existence is pointless.

We arrive - We exist - We die - THE END

Where's my Hallmark ?

"Be angry at God" , I am told but the truth is I am afraid to be angry at God. seriously 2011 has has way too much abandonment so far I don't want to lose god too, yet despite my attempts at acceptance my faith is slipping away...the more I try too hold on the faster it is melting.

I have never been good at seeing god in the moment, but as I look backwards I see it everywhere. There has been a constant greater good looking out for me, hauling me out of the crazy situations I seem to creatively  find myself in. All of the "adventures" I have found myself in I have left them unscathed in most cases. Do soul scars count?

So who is my GOD ? Well I call it god for want of a better word you may call it Buddha, Allah, higher power, the universe whatever the label does not concern me too much. For me it is a belief that I am not running this show that there is an energy, loving and caring for me. That it has been present forever but I drift in and out of connectedness with it.

Right now not so connected. If I has to visualise that energy today I would say it is a spun crystal ball when what I really need is a soccer ball. Feeling a abandoned, punished and confused. Why is it I feel as though I can not ask, beg for it aid rather that I must request only guidance? Screw your guidance I need fucking neon arrows to the direction I am heading in, hey you a little dark right now. How about a piggy back ?

I am showing up for this wretched existence today I am out of bed, dressed and sober so why do you ante up god..needing a little hallmark right now.

AMEN

Cops, Coroners & Crematoriums

Three months, three months I never would wish on anyone. It has been and eternatity and a heartbeat all at once. The reality that G isn't coming home still seems so far away. I stare at his photos and I feel like he could reach out and touch me. I still am quiet in my empty house in the early hours so I do not wake him. It still hurts every day when I return home and he is not there to kiss me at the door. I continue to miss him when I roll over in bed.

Three moths of dealing with institutions that keep referring to my G as "the deceased",  of trying to accept their procedures and policies while my heart in pulverised (broken is not the word for the pulp in my chest). Of continuing frustrations with the indifference that survivors are treated with. Banal words interspersed with the sympathetic tones ands the sighs as cops, coroners, morgue works, funeral directors, doctors, crematorium people (whatever their jobs are called) talk to me....guess what fuck you too.  I know, I know their just trying to do their job and it is tough blah blah blah .... but G is not my job. G was my best friend, my lover, my constant , my world. So yes I judge you!

Thirteen weeks where I have been introduced to so many new facets of dying, death knocks, caskets, body viewings, flowers, and words that are meant to mean so much, ashes and urns,post mortems, grief stages, meaningless words. What ifs up to my wazoo. Memories and triggers that drag me in to the past at the speed of light. Being an emotional rubber ball bouncing this way and that, back and forth.

Three months pretending that life is worth living when I no longer see the point. Why do we love? When love will inevitably end with pain. Three months of tears that I feel will never stop. 91 days of a truly physical ache.


"Love is an engraved invitation to grief"

No more RomCom

I'm done , that's it, no more, I promise, pledge, solemnly  swear on my other and a stack of bibles NO MORE ROMANTIC COMEDIES...I mean it.

Went to the cinema saw "Friend with Benefits" I laughed and has the ahh moments it was enjoyable big screen event but no more. Like MSG ok at the time but seriously screws me up afterward. I am on a self imposed RomCom sabbatical. I digest these movie's in a seriously bad way where is my happily ever after? I know know no one who has ridden off into the sunset or been in a flash mob with Justin Timberlake or Ryan Gosling. 

So here on out it will be action flicks, political doco's or horror on my tickets not nearly as appealing but am putting these expectation makers on the program. As the princess of expectations I need no help or encouragement in that department. 

Not that expectations are a bad thing but mine need to be realistic. Otherwise my life sux. Leave's me feeling that I am not enough of anything....smart, pretty, thin or rich. All in all a bitter after-taste that I can do without. If I can eliminate dairy from my life fairy tale daydreams should be easy...should,t they. 

 My life is good and I am blessed but I can lose all of that in moment once expectations rear their heads. I forget to be aware of all that I have achieved and been blessed with and focus solely on what I don't have, can't get or who I am not. That can be kind of twisted tourture. 

So goodbye Justin, Katherine, Hugh, Ryan, Mila Julia and all you other beautiful celluloid people wish you well but wont be seeing you any time soon. 

Change

So I've changed the name and the look of my blog..am I out of the darkness (I wish). No not yet but my journey is so much more than grieving G and our life together.

Hence a brighter page and the name still contemplating but removing the destination was a necessity... BLESS

It's OK

Reading about the laws of attraction. Thought it was a no brainer think big bucks but a lotto ticket and kapow look out Qantas here I come ummmm not still here in forklift land...what went wrong?

Apparently I need to come to terms / acceptance with my life today. And while I whine you know the grief, the grazed blue/black now swollen knees, blah blah blah.

So thinking about my life today..... if this is it not so bad a safe steady job in forklift world (still don't like the beige) where they like me and even find me amusing, I even got a hug from GI Joe yesterday. He is a giant of a man while I am a little (only a bit)on the short side so apparently it looked weird but it felt nice, warm even who know GI Joe was so affectionate.

My house cute warm and comfy for me and the naughty dog, who is currently under the house sulking cause we haven'y been for a walk yet. In a nice neighbourhood with grass that is way to long (not to worry on the TODO list this weekend).

An incredible concocted family of the most awesome loving oddbods you could find, and the love me to bits YEA ! They teach, support, entertain, inspire, adore me and they send me postcard too. Lova postcard. hint hint Darwin ?


Bills up to wazoo but electricity still on, petrol in the Baby Beast , incense burning and kitchen filled with food ... my little life is more than ok.

Do I want for more Hell yeah ..... but are my gifts more than adequate ?  Yes they are. Thank you 

Falling down and a Closed mind

Yesterday a kindly soul  told me that I am not at a dead end but more so in a tunnel or hose as she liken it where I have come to a wall or kink in the hose because my pain has block all light. Still pondering this wee pearl of info,

Not so sure I want be in a cold damp tunnel , defiantly not in a garden hose claustrophobia and such. Though I was struck with her incredible kindness and overwhelmed by my increasable ego. Not pleasant interactions when ego-bitch comes to the table. For she who carries a constant lack of self worth how on earth do I have an ego the size of the Opera House.

Considering 5 minutes before I met her I tripped over in the middle of North Parramatta (yea in public and yes people saw) , grazed and bruised knees and palms, handbag contents scattered all over the footpath. Got up pulled myself together as much as you can when you are scrabbling around in public cramming all your possessions back into your bag, dusting off your cigarette and trying not to cry....well I didn't cry for at least twenty meters later.

Where was my humility as this gentle woman tried to counsel me as I was bawling like a child, with a mountain of teary snotty tissues crammed in my hands and every pocket I was wearing. Instead ego-bitch took a hold of my mensa and all the time I was with her a nasty voice in my head was telling me she could not teach me anything or guide me anywhere....why I am like this? I beg for guidance then when it offered I do not listen. So do I just want my own way despite my pleas. Should I really be throwing a tantrum and demanding to give what I want even if it is not good for me. What am I really battling here? Does self delusion have me thinking I am open minded ?

What is it I want ... relief from the pain, answer to WHY, to change reality and have G back, financial security, a quiet mind ohh and bouncier better boobs too. There my wish list for today!

Crossroads..? Where are the signposts

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be.
 The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead...Luke OTH

There are moments in our live when we find ourselves at a crossroad, now I find my self at a dead end excuse the pun in there not intended believe me. there is no path forging ahead of me nor a a quick detour to the left. Just standing here with no idea which  way to go, If I turn to look back the road that got me here is evaporating too. There are no second chances or lets give it another go with G that life is gone, unless I want to embrace the crazy. Tempting as it is ...do not have the finances to play at being the crazy bitch.

So here I am what do I want ........ it has always been the easiest option for Tink to go along for the ride, share someone else's adventure. Or less scary to take along a travel buddy.  Solo has never been my ideal state of being, yet here we are me and the naughty dog, though he is not giving me a lot of direction ATM..damn.

God is not coming to the party either right now or at least his messages are lost in translations cause I can't hear them.

So the decisions I make today, will they define me or is it my lack of decisions that define me. So how does a scaredy cat like me push through ? Give me a substance to make me numb and I can rage against the world and all that it throws at me. But bare naked I am frozen in place every god damn fucking time.

Hear me when I say I have not desire to be the local lush but some dutch courage would not go astray right now. Bugger you god and your free will it does not feel like a gift today.

    

Labyrinth

Moving through this maze sometimes I walk sometimes I crawl but mostly I bumble through it.  Each turn reveals new emotions , hopes, defects, strengths or fears. Where did these parts of me exist before now ? Did the mundane of life really distract me so adequately or I have I been to these places before and run away. I wish I could go back and rewrite it all . Say things I should have said, unsay the words I didn't mean, why didn't I treasure all those moments, saying no when I should have screamed yes. Laid in bed all morning when the cleaning could have waited.  Why didn't I cling on tight rather then allowing time slip through my fingers.

I can't seem to find my way through this mess, just when I thing I am on the right path I will swing to a new direction and am lost again. As I reach out today the world feels cold and prickly as though the message is to stay still no forward no back just be here.  Where is my GPS for this time in my life. If this is a rabbit hole then wonderland is the wrong name.

Here I am again lost and lonely in this emotion

I see there is light and I have faith that is there, I just cant seem to find it

small Things

moments in time, a mouthful of words, small disenchantments all are able to crumble me

Today

What happens in the dark subconscious hours of my sleep, that cause me to awaken to under the raw heavy suffocating emotions of loss yet again. Barely had my heart beat once this morning before I knew it was back as my eyes opened all I could do was to curl agin into a foetal position sobs convulsing my body. Grief's weight has returned, just as it was before the besser block is back.

When I could ,and it took some time I crawled out of my bed stood in my empty house wondering what I had done or not done to back here, in this hopeless dark oppressive mood. The loss of G making it so difficult to get from the side of my bed to the kettle, how on earth was I going to get through this day?

And there is something new in my grieving, my grip on faith is slipping away. I feel abandoned not only by my love but by my god too. There is no light or reason right now that I can find in my life I wonder what is the point of my miserable existence. I don't question the absence of god for I am keenly aware of my worthlessness.

Believe me when I say the pain is not all emotional and spiritual, there is a tight relentless grip on my heart, lungs and throat it is very real they ache as I try to  draw breath in. I though this was getting better, I believed is was on the right path but still - I find myself back here,

I dress get in the car drive to work, all the while my head is chattering away telling me to go back to bed and dreaming up ways to die. The only prayer I can utter is a begging for God to take me away from this life to take me to G. Today I can't imagine getting though this I just want it to stop. Please I don't want to feel any more....I want to wrap my self in his clothes and find something anything to take away the pain and thinking.

I don't feel strong or worthy, I feel as though I am been punished for failing in all the ways that only I can fail.

Today is a wretched day. Today there is no light. Today I don't know how.Today there is no point. Today is almost over.

Is this a window ?

So I have been offered an opportunity to leave this place. Does it matter if I am running away. Away from all the memory triggers of G. Where ever I go I will take my grief with me, loving G and losing him has shaped my soul and nothing will change that.

This city or the next , this job or the next, this home or the next G will no longer grace with his physical presence. Thought the lessons he taught me, how to see the world through his irreverent humour, the memories infused into my heart and wounds he left on my being will be carried into each location I travel too.

Sydney is too painful sometimes, each corner I turn there is something to remember. Moments in time when I was too busy, preoccupied or distracted to be present in all rush back at me. Some make me smile, some make me cringe, but all  make me ache with the empty space beside me.

So do I go or do I stay ....... needing guidance here

You hurt because you're alive.

Tink: I hurt as bad as the day you died. 
G: You hurt because you're alive. 

Time to Leave ?

Why isn't this getting any easier?

I am tired of trying so hard...tired of choosing the next right action....tired of staying  in my faith..... tied of fighting off the crazy destructive thoughts

I want to stop. Is there an easier way out, please tell me.

I may have an opportunity to move far far away from here, is this a sign that it is ok to run....a new start, new city, new job, new me ???

So over thinking....trying to do right

What do you want Tink ?

If you love someone they may go away.....Love them with all you have anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered:

Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish or ulterior motives:

Be kind anyway

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies:

Succeed anyway

If you are Honest and Frank, people may cheat you:

Be honest and frank anyway

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight:

Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness, they maybe jealous:

Be happy anyway

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow:

Do good anyway

Give the world your best and it may never be enough:

Give the world your Best anyway

You see in the final analysis, it is between you and God:

It was never between you and them anyway

Distraction

It seems as though my life has become more than a little crazy of late, leaving me wondering what I had done to create all this chaos in multiple areas of my life. Then an angel whispered in my ear that maybe just maybe I was distracting.

I has an little Aha moment, putting all my energy into other people, places and events meant that I didn't have to be present in the experience of grieving G. Running around like a crazy person left a frazzled fairy in it's wake. Here I was wondering why the universe was directing all this drama my way AND it was me avoiding running away from my  process, all the actions I had promised myself and G I would not do.

So here I am trying to pull back and spend time with me and my grief, can't believe those words are emanating from my fingers. There is no honour or respect for the life we share in distraction.

Trying to find my way of connecting again playing with a very tactile way to express my memories creativly. This is going to sound so uncool but I am......wait for it...... scrap booking. There I said it doesn't exectly scream rock  n' roll but there are some other more me plans in place. TBA

Sitting with G's photos transports me to many different places and emotions. There are smiles, giggle and of course the ever soothing tears. As they all are laid out around me I get to talk to him. Revisit the life and adventures we shared. Appreciate that we did live a life that was in the most part joyous. Connect with the gratitude of loving G and being loved by him. I treasure being able to sit with his smile, his cheekiness and those beautiful blue eyes of his. There seems to be a lot of photos with his shirt of .....be was so vain sometimes.

My beautiful beautiful G, I miss you so much but thank you for loving me and allowing me the grace of sharing a life with you.

Buckle Up Baby

Of all the emotions I have been subjected to in past two months there is new and growing one ANGER. I have read all the grief stuff and know that anger is a part of the process. But it feels toxic, and the word anger feels like the wrong word....it is like a boiling bubbling rage building in me. Triggered by seriously nothing just rising to the surface leaving me grinding my teeth and trembling with effort to suppress it for it is for no one just the fact that we have been ripped off, ripped apart worlds shredded by the loss of G.

Yet again my grief is isolating me, leaving me feeling as though I am not fit for public consumption I feel horrid with this one I try to talk about it but when you ask why I have no explanation. I am just a very pissed off woman right now. There is no reason and there is the obvious reason this is not fair.

I want to rip and tear. Cause destruction and damage. I need to scream and howl at the world. I don't want to be self piteous but how can I when all I want to know is why? Why him ,why us, why me still acceptance seems so very far away. searching every where to find a place I can focus this energy.

While I know I am not I feel as though I am waling through this alone. Tears through rage NOT a great feeling. The desire to squeeze something so tightly it will be pulverised. I expected anger at G but is not directed at him just at life and the world in general.

I do not care what car you drive

I do not care what car you drive where you live. If you know some one who knows some one. If you clothes are this years cutting edge. If you trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list, B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the word that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

I do do not know who is author of these word but do love them 

Where is home ?

For a long time now, I lived the philosophy that home is my soft place to fall. Well now I don't know where home is. It is surely no longer my little house I come home every day to sad, empty and soulless. A desolate and emotionally vacant building.

This is really displacing for me, for years now I have been creating  what I thought was my home, filling it with furniture, linens,art, technology items at the time that warranted saving money and much consideration, today are just things with no significance to me now Was I creating a haven for me and G to share. I have put all this energy into what? I am clueless now cause this does not feel like home any more it did not so long ago. So what is it I have been doing all these years and why?

I could be walking into a hotel room for all the life and personality my house has now. I feel no warmth or connection to this building any longer.And  believe me, I truly want to come home so earnestly but somehow I have lost the feeling of my soft place to fall. And I don't have the faintest idea on how to recreate it.

I guess I have to redefine what home is to me. Is it G himself or is it the love we shared. Do I have to go somewhere new, do I really have to start all over, how do I take what was ours and make it mine? Will this empty nest feeling follow me to a new building?

So answer me this readers if there are any what is home to you? Maybe my thinking needs some directional input. Cause home is not here and I can go to G but I really want to come home.....needing those ruby slipper right about now Dorothy.

Tink's post card

Ever want to run away from it all, run away from the life you have created be it either good or bad. The reality is that it usually neither and both.

All the minutes, days, years filled with the monotonous drudgery of loving, all those loving friendly faces and then those you just want to smack. Memories, experiences, dreams fulfilled, abandoned or not yet reached their fruition. Leave all the things, the bills, responsibilities, expectations,the homes the children, pets and family , leave them all behind.

Just close the door behind you and walk away not look back go somewhere anywhere just away. There must be a place you can be invisible be nothing to anyone. Not be seen.

I want to go to away, in fact I don't want to walk I long to run there. Utopia where I don't have to show up !

I am not depressed or morbid. So don't worry.  I simply want a holiday from my life. I would love to go somewhere pretty and indulge the ugly me. I would lay on the sand warmed from the sun and snap and growl at anyone who dared approach me.I would fart and burp out loud.  I might not brush my hair or even my teeth. Spend all time in my pyjamas. not make any small talk or look for the silver linings. Talk about me to me, chatter on at length on topics that only interest me. Sleep wherever and when ever I want. Throw my rubbish both physical and emotional  all over the place with no concern who might step in it. What a luxury and I am off on rant now but I am indulging me. I would lie, steal cheat anyone I want to. I could even be brutal honest to people faces telling them all my private nasty thinking. Laugh hysterically at their discomfort, giggle about their misfortune. Bleat in self pity.... oops already there with that one.

I am so very very weary right now and if anyone else tells me the God does not give us more than we can handle I might just well...slap them...hard.

So here's the warning if you happen to bump into a cranky, crazy, smelly, negative soul muttering to themselves keep you platitudes to a minimum cause you might just end up with a black eye.

Good night  All  xoxox

Grief Art

Artist: EleanorC

There isn’t an indepth way for me to express the pain I felt when events led to the deletion of FIVE MONTHS worth of writing. Several plots and my lead story I had plans to send to publishers are gone.

I wanted to scream and rage. A whole had been torn inside me and I can’t repair to its former glory.

The words were in me, but now the heart is gone. sobs

Goodnight Matt

Today 29th July is the 1st anniversary of a friends death. Goodnight Matt M

Matt's death is a lot like G's not only due to the same disease but also too early, too needless, too many questions. Just like my G's.

As I recall a year ago the shock at the news of  Matt's passing. I remember how inadequate I felt in the face of his families raw pain and anguish.  Standing amongst friends and acquaintances at Matty's funeral trying to make sensew out of what is in all truthfulness is quiet sensless.

Little did I know in 10 short months it would be me looking into those faces of sympathy and pain. And tonight as Matt's family and friends gather to console and support each other I can't go. It is too hard too close to home. Tonight I will remember Matt and light a candle

Where did you go ?

Where did they go? They were all here, all around me, fussing and bothering, intruding and caring.They were all here whether I wanted them or not. And I needed them even if they could do nothing but be in pain with me.

So where are they all now? They call and talk about the light spots and dramas that are unfolding in their days. Then ask how I am doing , I lie say I am doing fine and move on to focus to them. Cause as your lives evolve and grow,  mine feels as though it is diminishing, I am still here wondering what happen and watching the world go by. See me Sooth me Fix me please!

I don't want to tell them it still hurts like crazy. That I have no idea how to put back together my broken heart or if it can ever be put back together the way it was. After a quiet a few seemingly mundane days, I guess I hoped  and prayed the worst was over but the darkness has descended again I don't know why. The past few days have been mostly spent in soggy snotty mess. I even cried at work, for the first time...still not a good look. This week it is all just too much, again.

But all my angles have flown away back to their own lives, I superficially seem to no longer need the intensive care love.  Someone told me this would happen, though I still think that I am so different. That my process will be unique and it is and isn't if that make any sense.

I am back to wanting to know why, but this time with splashes of anger thrown into to the pot just to aggravate the discomfort. This time around there is no wagons to circle me. Just me alone in our home. Missing G more than I did a week ago, more than I did and hour ago.

So would having any of you here help? I doubt it there is only one soul who can repair this and he is not coming home, ever again. How do I live with this? How do I learn to not wait for G?

As I read back over this post it is so pious I want to delete and be inspiring instead. Enlightening and hopeful is not my truth today. Just for today the storm is not abating

What do you want from me

I wish I did not care what you say or think....I wish I was a hard arse. But I am not, and I sting. Do you think I wanted this, pain and confusion. I am trying to find my way through this turmoil, and sometimes I need to hear I am doing OK at it. Or do you think I deserved this because I was not stronger,smarter better?

Let me tell you every day I get up and dress myself is a god dammed successful day because you know what, if I could curl up die I would, in a single heartbeat. If I believed it would actually end all this I poison myself today, but I have never had that kind of luck. More Misery would be my best bet.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!


I don't want to apologise for missing you, for being lost and human.

Lessons So Far

I am writing here less so does that mean I am hurting less...NO does it mean I am closer to acceptance...NO. I do think that I am settling into a world without G. I don't have to like it...but since when does me not liking my life stop it?

I have stamped my feet and moaned, fought and  sulked...all to no avail. So here I am wounded but still standing. A world without G is a little dimmer, it is less a whole lot of  less. The weight that lay on my chest is no longer there. I no longer wish and pray for death to befall me. I am slowly finding an answer in my spirituality for what happens after death. I am way, way more functional in the day to day aspects of living. Missing G is no getting any easier, and i have come to accept that his death will never never be OK.

I still want to hide away from the world yea Miss Havisham, though this is I am learning is a coping mechanism that I utilise in life. I want to but am not hiding away, well not as much and you know what that's OK.

I am learning all the time. The life lessons are coming thick and fast. And I am trying to assimilate these lessons into my previous life, the one before 29th May 2011. So let's look at what Tink has learned thus far.
Grief SUX
 I don't have all the answers I want and probably never will
I have been incredibly blessed to be loved in the way I was loved by G
 I am allow to decide for myself what path my life takes
I am allowed to rest
 How to say NO
 I am loved in a way that still surprises me
My God steps up in a practical way when I need him, and probably when I don't know or think I need him
Love does not end
I am still a student
There is more to life than what I than see and touch
Mortality is overrated
did I mention that GRIEF SUX

So here I am walking in a world without the man who became my centre be that right or wrong that was the truth. The lessons he taught me are still standing in good stead and think they always will.

I miss you Gav, every moment of every day I miss you.

What Comes Next

49 Days now,49 days have  living with a gaping wound, 49 days of an altered world, 49 days of missing and yearning, 49 days of questing and learning, 49 days of grieving. Am I closer to acceptance at losing the love of my life. I  have no idea, I doubt it. I still look into G face in his photos and it is like he could walk out of them, reach out and touch me but he doesn't.

For the past three weeks there has been a new growing dimension to this journey. I have been reading and looking for ways to communicate with G.I have some answers I would really like to know the truth to, two really important ones in fact. Is this my mind opening up or is this the start of crazy?

So when we die what happens? Where do we go to? While not so long ago if you asked me this question I would have told you my opinion with no hesitation, dust to dust there is nothing, that would have been my statement. Not so easy now is it? My beliefs were based about what would happen to me if I died. Now I need a belief system that caters for those I love. Dead is not dead, is it?

I want G to be near me, I am comforted by the thought that he is here but not. Though the sceptic in me has not completely gone AWOL . Researching about the afterlife, angels, signs and such phenomenon. There is a lot of information, and I am sure a lot of bullshit so how do I work out the good from the bad.

I asked for a sign, any sign that G was near. So I heard his song on the radio, cant explain it clearly but enough said that when this song plays G is who comes to mind. In fact this was the song I chose for him to be played at his funeral, my song for G. Coincidence? Maybe, but the truth is I was thrilled to hear it and able to say Hi Baby nice to hear from you. I have also started dreaming again gone are the inanimate nights, the images are like movie scenes, they don't make much sagacity but they are there and I can recall them which is unusual for me, what they mean is less clear.

So is this proof, is this my evidence? There is more that I have not expressed to anyone, there is a place quiet near to my home, a church of type where they believe in the physic world. I have been wanting to go there, to a place where the belief in afterlife communication and such is a way of life, on Sundays they have a service. The past two Sundays I have planned to go and then chickened out. So Here it is Sunday again option there, do I don't I.

Am I crazy? Am I looking for comfort and consolation in the wrong place? Or is this learning?I need guidance with this, but will I listen? What do you think ?

Inspire Me

Looking for inspiration and guidance within the words from those I admire.


"The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. 
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now 
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)




"Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
— Nicholas Sparks 


"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
— Anne Lamott


"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." 
— C.S. Lewis


"It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it." 
— Lemony Snicket 


"There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays."
— Jodi Picoult 


"Love is an engraved invitation to grief." 
— Sunshine O'Donnell

"it was his own grief turned magically to song"
— J.K. Rowling

Shadow

I feel like a shadow. As a noun is mean a dark outline cause be the interception of light, as verb it is to cover with darkness. either way it seem appropriate way to describe me.

I am an outline of my own self bereft of all there once was to pad out my life. As I move about out there, I am flat,dark, introspective while you may think I accompany you, is spirit I am somewhere else. Consumed by my own thoughts and ideas that are tumbling around overlapping themselves, trying to catch them and hold on is akin to juggling jelly. All I seem to cling to are fragment of what a an hour ago was obsessive. Last night as I appeared to be listening to your banter and laughter tonight I have very little idea of what was discussed even though I tried hard to participate.

Tink is a relic of the social being from not so long ago. Tiring easily, fidgety and restless struggling to stay in any one moment. Longing to be alone again, being afraid of amongst you and only seeing how everything is different, wondering is there any part of my life that is untouched by the change. Can anything really be this all encompassing or is this the ultimate in self indulgence?

When the shadow of death blots out my joy
And erases the face of the sun
Give me strength to endure, hope to believe
That living and dying are one, William L Wallace