Please excuse me , I am not here

So I ask you, as you look at me right now what do you see ?

As I walked my oh so naughty dog this cold and foggy morning a fellow walker stopped me to disscuss how our local council needs to do more to keep our parks clean. As I looked at him with no intrest at all at what he was jabbering on about I thought this, what do you see? Some woman walking her very hansom pooch on a Sunday morning ?

My reality is today is the 4 week anniversary of G's death my every brain cell is devoted to him ,  memories, what ifs, the whys, the what now's and the longing. Is there not some indication I can wear to make the world aware that I am not present right now?

How long am I permitted? This week my boss mentioned that she could allow me a couple of more weeks before she would expect full productivity from me, she also looked at me with some frustration as I requested a day off this week to attend a meeting with a detective to give a statement about G. Am I supposed to care that she now has to rearrange the roster ? What does the world want from me ...to "buck up" to "get on with it" ?

I am aware that I am walking every day among the grieving I look around and wonder who else is in this darkness with me? Is it you cutting in on me in traffic apparently not seeing me or is it you beside me at the local shops buying the Sunday paper and milk? How can I tell ? How can you ?

Even if you can tell, would make any difference would you be a little more patient, more gentle would you give more of your precious time? Would you take more care or would you avoid them to maximize your own comfortability? Would you intrude into their isolated world? Could you realize it is not about you?

Most of the time I want to be alone with my thoughts of G, but is this healthy? What am supposed to be doing ? There is no answers at the moment just lots of questions and feelings that I am doing this mourning thing all wrong. The universe and everything in it seems so pointless right now I just don't care. give me a warm box of my own to curl up in.

So now what ...well today it off to Sunday lunch with the Amazing A's mum and dad. After that buy the new doona (JAXIE ATE THE OLD ONE THIS MORNING ) one step at a time I guess

Jax, the naughty