Why can't I cry?
I crave to, I need to wail, weep,scream and moan. I want it all but it doesn't happen. I feel the the despair rise up from my gut, then I take a breath and swallow it all back down. I long to dissolve into a puddle of pain and loss, hoping that I might get some small measure relief from this numbing cloud I exist in.
My inner bully tell me that I am less than cause I don't cry. I tell my self that I didn't love G well enough that he deserved more, more than me. Maybe thats why I can't feel him near me. I know that if I was in pain he would be here. Is he somewhere relieved he is separated from me is it a choice the departed can make? Is there peace for him in my absence? Was I the burden to heavy to carry?
You tell me how strong I am. Even yesterday I was told how impressed you were that I was so tidy with my grief. I don't want to be tidy. I am not strong I am scared and alone with this. What on earth makes you think I am strong? Cause I show up for my job, cause I am not in foetal position, what can I do to let you know I am aching that I can't find a single thing in my world worth living for. I am in actuality messy, confused unsure, lost and inconsolable. I don't think I want anonymity anymore I want the world to know I am hurting.
I don't know how to tell you. It is as though I have lost my language. I am speaking but no one hear what I am saying or don't you want to hear. I don't need to be healed I need to be heard.
Grief is a storm.
ReplyDeleteOnly you can’t come in.
Did I say storm, I meant hurricane.
And everybody who loves you is standing by’
You can see them and sometimes you can hear them.
But you can’t feel them.
All you can feel is the grief.
It consumes you.
And everybody has a brolly for you.
They’re are all waiting, wanting to shelter you.
But you can’t come in.
In there doesn’t exist for you any more.
There is only out here.
You’re out to sea.
You are caught in the wind.
You can see the land but it’s not for you anymore.
You feel like you’ll never step on solid ground again.
You’ve been set adrift.
Where you’ll end up, you have no idea.
In fact your not even thinking where you’ll end up.
Grief smacks you back into awareness of the here and now.
Back into the unacceptable loss every time you drift from it.
Reprieve is non-existant.
Grief is a wave that crashes upon you.
Picks you up and turns you over in its fury.
Slams you down and drags you under.
Grief feels like a deserted island.
You’re all alone.
Emptiness surrounds you.
Devastation fills you up.
Memories sooth and haunt you.
Dreams die.
Only there’s no heaven for them.
Why me?
Why them?
Why this?
Why screams at you.
Your heart shatters and yet still carry’s the weight of a grief you cannot withstand.
Your soul aches.
They are set free…
And we will heal.
Our hearts will keep beating, we will keep breathing, love is inside of us’
Love never dies.
xox