Why do I choose to write this blog in anonymousness and code ? Because I feels like so much of what I am experiencing is too socially unpalatable to discuss.
For instance you know that rhetorical question we all ask ... How are you ? Well how do I answer that, at the moment my standard response is fine like it always has been and then as I realize the asker knows this is not true I stumble and fumble with my words trying to finds the right phrase or how to explain how I really am. Do you really want or to need to hear the truth...that I feel like a bessar block has been placed on my chest and I cant get it off, that the weight there 24 hours a a day makes me feel like I cant breathe. That this block has been there since day one and does not seem to be lifting anytime soon. Do you want to hear that I pray for God to come get me because living feels pointless without G, that when I talk to G I keep begging him to come get me. Or how often my thoughts drift to ways of taking my own life...thoughts like I must remember to Google how long it will take to gas myself or if I were just time my acceleration into the merge lane that I use every day going to work that I could cause a truck or bus to collide with the drive side of my car at 60kph would that take me to him. Or if that pain in my chest is really a cardiac arrest on the threshold.
So when you ask me how I ask me how I am, I will tell you, I don't know and that is my truth as what I am telling you is I don't know how to tell you how I am or how to make sense of my world. That I don't know how you would take it if I allowed you into my reality.
Anonymity allows me the freedom to tell the world that although there is a lost part of me that appreciates all the gestures of kindness and love that currently they can also piss me off and do my head in. Like the need you all have to feed me, if I lose a couple of kilos it will not kill me and it is not like I am unaware that I need to eat I can't tell you how many meals I have made for myself only to look at the plate and then place it on the floor for Jax to eat, this makes him happy (mental note longer walks for Jaxie). When people share with me their guilt at not spending more time with G before he died, I will make the appropriate noises and remind you that G was never one to hold a grudge or make judgment about your choices that he had the most generous spirit I had ever met....but there is also that instinctive protective part of me that wants to shout at and berate you for not trying to understand the kind of man my G was, for not being nicer to him.
It will allow me to make fun of the inane stupid advice I get, while I understand that you need to make the socially nice comments and you genuinely are trying to share wisdom with me. What your saying is pointless believe me this advice is a post to itself .
The namelessness of this blog permits me to vent my clouded judgement of the world and its inhabitants at the moment and hopefully not cause any pain to anyone because at this point in time this is my reality. That in my grief my truth is socially unacceptable and cruel. It is confusion, pain and torment and as you stand before me with your wounded eyes I do not need to lay this upon you. This is not your fault and you are trying to love me so instead here it is. I will not apologize this is where I can be the true me just for a little while.
And this I appreciate
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