Grief Art

Artist: EleanorC

There isn’t an indepth way for me to express the pain I felt when events led to the deletion of FIVE MONTHS worth of writing. Several plots and my lead story I had plans to send to publishers are gone.

I wanted to scream and rage. A whole had been torn inside me and I can’t repair to its former glory.

The words were in me, but now the heart is gone. sobs

Goodnight Matt

Today 29th July is the 1st anniversary of a friends death. Goodnight Matt M

Matt's death is a lot like G's not only due to the same disease but also too early, too needless, too many questions. Just like my G's.

As I recall a year ago the shock at the news of  Matt's passing. I remember how inadequate I felt in the face of his families raw pain and anguish.  Standing amongst friends and acquaintances at Matty's funeral trying to make sensew out of what is in all truthfulness is quiet sensless.

Little did I know in 10 short months it would be me looking into those faces of sympathy and pain. And tonight as Matt's family and friends gather to console and support each other I can't go. It is too hard too close to home. Tonight I will remember Matt and light a candle

Where did you go ?

Where did they go? They were all here, all around me, fussing and bothering, intruding and caring.They were all here whether I wanted them or not. And I needed them even if they could do nothing but be in pain with me.

So where are they all now? They call and talk about the light spots and dramas that are unfolding in their days. Then ask how I am doing , I lie say I am doing fine and move on to focus to them. Cause as your lives evolve and grow,  mine feels as though it is diminishing, I am still here wondering what happen and watching the world go by. See me Sooth me Fix me please!

I don't want to tell them it still hurts like crazy. That I have no idea how to put back together my broken heart or if it can ever be put back together the way it was. After a quiet a few seemingly mundane days, I guess I hoped  and prayed the worst was over but the darkness has descended again I don't know why. The past few days have been mostly spent in soggy snotty mess. I even cried at work, for the first time...still not a good look. This week it is all just too much, again.

But all my angles have flown away back to their own lives, I superficially seem to no longer need the intensive care love.  Someone told me this would happen, though I still think that I am so different. That my process will be unique and it is and isn't if that make any sense.

I am back to wanting to know why, but this time with splashes of anger thrown into to the pot just to aggravate the discomfort. This time around there is no wagons to circle me. Just me alone in our home. Missing G more than I did a week ago, more than I did and hour ago.

So would having any of you here help? I doubt it there is only one soul who can repair this and he is not coming home, ever again. How do I live with this? How do I learn to not wait for G?

As I read back over this post it is so pious I want to delete and be inspiring instead. Enlightening and hopeful is not my truth today. Just for today the storm is not abating

What do you want from me

I wish I did not care what you say or think....I wish I was a hard arse. But I am not, and I sting. Do you think I wanted this, pain and confusion. I am trying to find my way through this turmoil, and sometimes I need to hear I am doing OK at it. Or do you think I deserved this because I was not stronger,smarter better?

Let me tell you every day I get up and dress myself is a god dammed successful day because you know what, if I could curl up die I would, in a single heartbeat. If I believed it would actually end all this I poison myself today, but I have never had that kind of luck. More Misery would be my best bet.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!


I don't want to apologise for missing you, for being lost and human.

Lessons So Far

I am writing here less so does that mean I am hurting less...NO does it mean I am closer to acceptance...NO. I do think that I am settling into a world without G. I don't have to like it...but since when does me not liking my life stop it?

I have stamped my feet and moaned, fought and  sulked...all to no avail. So here I am wounded but still standing. A world without G is a little dimmer, it is less a whole lot of  less. The weight that lay on my chest is no longer there. I no longer wish and pray for death to befall me. I am slowly finding an answer in my spirituality for what happens after death. I am way, way more functional in the day to day aspects of living. Missing G is no getting any easier, and i have come to accept that his death will never never be OK.

I still want to hide away from the world yea Miss Havisham, though this is I am learning is a coping mechanism that I utilise in life. I want to but am not hiding away, well not as much and you know what that's OK.

I am learning all the time. The life lessons are coming thick and fast. And I am trying to assimilate these lessons into my previous life, the one before 29th May 2011. So let's look at what Tink has learned thus far.
Grief SUX
 I don't have all the answers I want and probably never will
I have been incredibly blessed to be loved in the way I was loved by G
 I am allow to decide for myself what path my life takes
I am allowed to rest
 How to say NO
 I am loved in a way that still surprises me
My God steps up in a practical way when I need him, and probably when I don't know or think I need him
Love does not end
I am still a student
There is more to life than what I than see and touch
Mortality is overrated
did I mention that GRIEF SUX

So here I am walking in a world without the man who became my centre be that right or wrong that was the truth. The lessons he taught me are still standing in good stead and think they always will.

I miss you Gav, every moment of every day I miss you.

What Comes Next

49 Days now,49 days have  living with a gaping wound, 49 days of an altered world, 49 days of missing and yearning, 49 days of questing and learning, 49 days of grieving. Am I closer to acceptance at losing the love of my life. I  have no idea, I doubt it. I still look into G face in his photos and it is like he could walk out of them, reach out and touch me but he doesn't.

For the past three weeks there has been a new growing dimension to this journey. I have been reading and looking for ways to communicate with G.I have some answers I would really like to know the truth to, two really important ones in fact. Is this my mind opening up or is this the start of crazy?

So when we die what happens? Where do we go to? While not so long ago if you asked me this question I would have told you my opinion with no hesitation, dust to dust there is nothing, that would have been my statement. Not so easy now is it? My beliefs were based about what would happen to me if I died. Now I need a belief system that caters for those I love. Dead is not dead, is it?

I want G to be near me, I am comforted by the thought that he is here but not. Though the sceptic in me has not completely gone AWOL . Researching about the afterlife, angels, signs and such phenomenon. There is a lot of information, and I am sure a lot of bullshit so how do I work out the good from the bad.

I asked for a sign, any sign that G was near. So I heard his song on the radio, cant explain it clearly but enough said that when this song plays G is who comes to mind. In fact this was the song I chose for him to be played at his funeral, my song for G. Coincidence? Maybe, but the truth is I was thrilled to hear it and able to say Hi Baby nice to hear from you. I have also started dreaming again gone are the inanimate nights, the images are like movie scenes, they don't make much sagacity but they are there and I can recall them which is unusual for me, what they mean is less clear.

So is this proof, is this my evidence? There is more that I have not expressed to anyone, there is a place quiet near to my home, a church of type where they believe in the physic world. I have been wanting to go there, to a place where the belief in afterlife communication and such is a way of life, on Sundays they have a service. The past two Sundays I have planned to go and then chickened out. So Here it is Sunday again option there, do I don't I.

Am I crazy? Am I looking for comfort and consolation in the wrong place? Or is this learning?I need guidance with this, but will I listen? What do you think ?

Inspire Me

Looking for inspiration and guidance within the words from those I admire.


"The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. 
But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now 
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Lord of the Rings)




"Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
— Nicholas Sparks 


"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
— Anne Lamott


"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." 
— C.S. Lewis


"It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it." 
— Lemony Snicket 


"There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays."
— Jodi Picoult 


"Love is an engraved invitation to grief." 
— Sunshine O'Donnell

"it was his own grief turned magically to song"
— J.K. Rowling

Shadow

I feel like a shadow. As a noun is mean a dark outline cause be the interception of light, as verb it is to cover with darkness. either way it seem appropriate way to describe me.

I am an outline of my own self bereft of all there once was to pad out my life. As I move about out there, I am flat,dark, introspective while you may think I accompany you, is spirit I am somewhere else. Consumed by my own thoughts and ideas that are tumbling around overlapping themselves, trying to catch them and hold on is akin to juggling jelly. All I seem to cling to are fragment of what a an hour ago was obsessive. Last night as I appeared to be listening to your banter and laughter tonight I have very little idea of what was discussed even though I tried hard to participate.

Tink is a relic of the social being from not so long ago. Tiring easily, fidgety and restless struggling to stay in any one moment. Longing to be alone again, being afraid of amongst you and only seeing how everything is different, wondering is there any part of my life that is untouched by the change. Can anything really be this all encompassing or is this the ultimate in self indulgence?

When the shadow of death blots out my joy
And erases the face of the sun
Give me strength to endure, hope to believe
That living and dying are one, William L Wallace

Home again Home again

So was the day as bad as thought it was going to be?

Well yes I will tell you, it was nothing dreadful happened, I just feel raw outside in world. It is like somehow all my skin has peeled away leaving behind a small vulnerable soul. Open to all the perceived arrows of the human race. Every slight real or imagined stings like hell.

Then when it is finally time I fly straight to my haven like a homing pigeon, so fast and with such purpose I have to be careful not to speed. Not sure what it is I am fleeing from, but as I close the door to my little house and I am able to sink in to the weary exhaustion that has been resting upon me all day,whatever  it is easier even if it is only marginally so. I curl up and pray that the world will not intrude. please no knocks at the door, or ringing phone. Solitude requires so little from me and I feel I have little to give.

I am watching as the world goes on, lives evolving, adventures being sought, new toys, new lives, new relationships. And I pout, I want to stamp and scream!!!! I am torn, waking up every morning with a gaping wound where G used to be. Why do people tell it should be getting better. I am telling you it is not, it is not getting better.

I am trying, Daz the psych and my weekly visits, the stupid white pills to ward off depression and anxiety, the journaling, the prayer, the program, answering the phone, going to work, eating, sleeping, exercise,being honest I am doing it all but it still painful and lonely.

G in miss you with every single beat of my heart, my world is duller without you.Please come home.

Where did I put those Ruby slippers?

Another week....oh shit!

Here it is again the start of yet another week, it is like a counter. How long will I do this , calculate my life since the loss of G? This will be week 7 in a world without G, I don't know how many times I have sat alone in the cave of my own creation psyching myself up, planning how to face the world. It is a good plan, really it is To shower,dress put on my make up (so you don't comment on the dark circles) be calm and assured, to smile and be interested in your day, to be oh so productive and involved in my job, lots of plans and lists, but when the time comes to walk out the door I stumble again. Miss Havisham resurfaces and I long to draw the curtains and  hide, can I/will I  hide here forever?

I am afraid, scared that this will be my duration that I will just wait for my own reprieve from this aimlessness. Going through the ordinary motions of an existence. Joy and adventure seem as though they too have abandoned  me. I have no idea what it is that I can do to change the way I feel. Well actually I do but....... should I say I do not know what it is that is healthy and safe I can do to change the way I feel, I also want that whatever it is has substance to a little longevity would be nice.

So lost without G, haunted by memories, what ifs and images of my love. Wanting answers that I will never be able to hear. Wishing for the impossible. Alone in a relationship, wondering why ?

Why

What do you do when all of a sudden your heart is pierced through with pain? The one you thought you would grow old with is suddenly lying lifeless in the morgue. What do you do when the pain is so much to bear and your body shakes uncontrollably with the anguish of your soul. Where do you go? Who do you turn too? So many unanswered questions. Why God Why? Why did you let the cold, clammy hands of death steal my precious one from my grasp?


God will you ever answer me? Do you even understand? I am so angry with you. You could have warned me? You could have asked my permission before you let them leave me here alone in this world of little compassion? I am standing in the midst of a crowded room and no one can even sense my pain. Do you even care God?


Life is like a vapour. Here today and gone tomorrow. 

Mortality

As I recall my former self I wonder at is it naiveness or stupidity ? I don't know that is was a conscious thought that I would never be gripped by grief. Did I really assume that all my loved ones were invincible? Or is it that pain truly is in the moment, as is true that you can not remember pain is also such that you can not really envision it either?

The newly educated self of today is acutely aware of mortality. It is not mine that haunts me, far from it in fact. But rather the fragility of those of you I adore. Before the loss of G when I did not see you, hear from you, touch you I was not afraid, today the idea of my world without you in it terrorizes me.

What is it I have not done or said to you today? Do you know I respect and admire you? I feel blessed by your presence in my journey. The courage, integrity and joy you live inspires me. The whispers of trials you endure and secrets you allow me too hold for you, make you only more precious to me than the heartbeat before them. I feel honoured by the sharing. Whilst the memories to grant me are never forgotten or dismissed I too demand the physicality of you. The warmth, the pulse, skin, the noise, the hugs these I do not ever want to mourn.

I would not lets face it could not stop you from living but oh how I want to protect you and me from any thing  that may cause you any harm. If only !!!!

Today I tell you  I LOVE YOU with my words, my prayer, my wishes for you I LOVE YOU

Survivor Rights

The survivor has the right:

1. to mourn in his or her own way and within the time it takes.
2. to know the truth about the death, to see the body of the deceased, and to organize the funeral with respect to one’s own ideas and rituals.
3. to consider death as the result of several interrelated causes that produced unbearable pain for the deceased: death is not a free choice.
4. to live wholly, with joy and sorrow, free of stigma or judgment.
5. to have his or her privacy respected as well as that of the deceased.
6. to find support from relatives, friends, colleagues… and from professional helpers who have knowledge and insight in the dynamics of bereavement, potential risk factors, and in the administrative consequences.
7. to be contacted by the clinician/caregiver (if any) who treated the deceased person.
8. to not be considered as a suicide candidate or as a patient.
9. to place one’s experience in the service of other survivors, caregivers and anyone who seeks to better understand bereavement.
10. to never be as before: there is a life before the loss and a life afterwards.

Exhaustion

I am so very very tired, the word exhaustion does just not seem to be adequate to explain.

 I do not enjoy waking any more, I have always been one of those annoying morning people who emerge from slumber with immediate alertness bouncing through the house looking for something to do, but no longer today I rouse with such reluctance. Each morning as I slip into consciousness so reluctantly, not wanting my brain to strart firing ever reminding me that the world I expected to last forever is gone, I want to "turtle" with each and every time I rouse wanting to slide further under the covers attempting to return to the oblivion of sleep.

I show up for most days to trudge through my duties knowing that this gloom will not last forever. Though just for today showing up is so totally physically taxing that I find myself examining the industrial carpet under my desk at work thinking hoe nice it would be to curl up and snooze there. (not a good look) .

Night can not come too quickly for this drowsy fairy, for this is the time that it is acceptable to be weary. There are no people to stand upright for, no community to have to dress for, no visitors, no invitations to have to accept and finally the phone stops ringing. . This is the part of the day that is mine, where I can collapse into my own space. That moment I can put on my night time regalia G's jumpers ,PJs & uhgss , and succumb to the exhaustion I feel. Every bone, sinew, cell every hair muscle and organ I possess are scream for rest. All I can contemplate is how tired I am. As I plonk myself on the lounge each evening I make the futile promise not to sleep there but I do.

This week my grief is tiring, wearing me down and out...or maybe I am just getting old.

My sleep is deep and dreamless (as far as I am aware) a dark reprieve from the machinations of my grey matter. The reward for heading out into the world.

Small Joys

Such extraordinarily ordinary week. This week not good nor bad. Had better. Had worse.

What joys have I found in this standard winter week, looking for gratitude.

• Walking with Jaxie in the winter sunshine.
• A really good Lamb Saag at half price
• being reminded of my faith, and that I have not abandoned it.
• a chance to connect more deeply with acquaintance....begining on a new friendship ??
• hearing of someone special reach a really big double digit milestone ...Woo Hoo S.V
• freshly washed flannel sheets

Carl Jung

I am sorry you are so miserable. “Depression” means literally “being forced downward.” This can happen even when you don’t consciously have any feeling at all of being “on top.” So I wouldn’t dismiss this hypothesis out of hand … 

I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them … I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty --- no matter how primitive and artless --- objects, colors, sounds. I would eat and drink well. 

When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain an light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus Nature reverses herself. I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead. I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence. I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me. 

Anyway, that is what I would do. What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness.

With cordial wishes,As ever, C.G.Jung

Grieving Blondes #10

.

Rosemary LaingAustralian 1959–
a dozen useless actions for grieving blondes #102009
type C photograph
76.3 x 132.1 cm
National Gallery of Victoria, Melbourne
Purchased, Victorian Foundation for Living Australian Artists, 2010
© Rosemary Laing and Tolarno Galleries, Melbourne

Finding NO

Hi everyone (is there an every one I see visits but who knows?) So today I said NO for the first time in a while. When a certain someone told me that I was being selfish and that losing G was not about me, that tiny single syllable word came from my lips. I was able to find the words to say out loud that this is my journey, and I will do it any way I damn well please so sorry if my grieving will not fit into your idea of how I should do it.

For today I will not apologise for not being the woman you are used to. I will not squash into the cookie cutter you have created for me. If I am not present either physically or emotionally...build a bridge. If I want or need your advice, I promise I will seek it. If your agenda and my own do not coincide, I will always choose my own direction. I no longer wish to be buffeted around by your desires for comfort.

If you dislike my emotional vulnerability, are afraid of my tears, scared of my anger, worried about my safety, concerned by my truth. Now is the time to look the other way, talk about the weather. Nod and keep on moving. Turn the page. Feel free to walk away. I have faith that when I emerge from this storm and I will that I will be surrounded  by souls that will still love me. Our friendships will be stronger after the beating it has endured.

What is it I say no to, being strong, thinking he is in better place, attending every single event I am invited to, getting dressed everyday, being unchanged by my lovers loss, guilt or shame. This is my process however it evolves.


So I say NO. Absolutely not, by no means, negative, never, nix, no way, not at all, not by any means. 

Giving the voices free reign

I am really getting into the blog writing  , I am finding it a way of releasing..who knew. As I curl up here in front on my screen  it is kind of meditative. Time passes quickly and mind becomes focus so maybe not meditative but contemplative.

Not sure how this post will flow but I had a thought and here it is....

For as long as I can recall I have had a symphony of voices in my head to listen to, now not "United States of Tara" or auditory hallucinations but more so a narrative to my life, concocted from the beliefs I have about myself. At times they are quieter but still there kind of like sitting next to someone on the bus whose iPod is faintly audible or white noise. Where you can't make out the words but an  annoying and persistent sound. From time to time the noise becomes incited by life to become raucous, akin to surround sound deafening, and all consuming. Presently I am in surround sound mode. Please let me find the mono switch.

I have decided to give them names for purposes of any blog readers sanity, and it is somewhat entertaining for myself . Please let me introduce your to my very own committee.

STELLA : shrewish, unloving, reminding me of my worthlessness and social inability


BILLI : more recent, arriving to the team about 9.5 years ago, a quiet but insistent voice of reason and the program. Reminding me that I am just a human being after all.Perfectly imperfect.


JOAN: think coat hanger referencing and you will understand, Her tune is told you so you stupid girl is a polite way to coin her  most persistent phrase


MARYBELLE : an occasional visitor to this team but somewhat of a sociopath, destructive for her own presumed salvation


TINK: thought I would add her she is the just physical carrier and the listener only to din that is her thought process.

So here is my very own cast with their opinions of this time of my life enjoying the opportunity to to dance around my consciousness.

STELLA'S current input is along the lines of " why can't you grieve correctly" ,"come on now get over it ,it has been five weeks already since G died stop your self pitying sulking", "stop your selfish behaviour it impacting on others",'"you are letting everyone down" , "no one wants to hear your whining over G no one cares" '"cease and desist your intrusion to other peoples lives" ."not even G cared for you he is happy to be free of you","everyone knows by looking at you the you are a  the fake freak","millions of people have lost someone they cared about, so what make you think you are so special", "Why don't you just shut the fuck up"

JOAN"S  non so gentle reminders ring to "G's death is your fault","what made you think you could have happily ever after", " you were told to leave G so why didn't you" ,"so now, you expect compassion!", " those supporters don't love you they have to say nice things to you ,they don't mean them" , "your a fuck up Tink" , "don't meet people, their invites are just their politeness they don't really want to see you", "you made your bed you lie in it" ," stay away, hide", "you are safer alone", "G didn't love you", "his parents blame you", "I told you it would never last", "what did you think was going to happen", "This is all your fault"

MARYBELLE: I  is chose this name for this voice cause she was a child sociopath, she does not allow into the consciousness anyone else's feelings. Currently this is very dark, her contribution is somewhat scary for me to hear though I am not near acting at all ..."throw yourself in front of a train, just go up to the station",  " If you just pull out in the merge lane, make sure it is the driver side", "why don't you learn how to tie a noose", "if you nestle the muzzle of the gun in the crook of your chin you wont miss","hey barfly, just one bottle of bourbon come on if not now then ..when","how long would it take to gas your self in the Nissan","I am sure the doctor would give you something to sleep, especially now", "why don't we go into the Cross for a while","death will allow you to meet G again"

BILLI is reminding me of what I have learnt and heard in the past decade, "you are not alone", "go to a meeting Tink", " PRAY", "this too will pass", "you never get more than you can handle","stay safe", "remember the HALTS" , " you can't, we can", "loving and caring", "call someone", "let them in" , "we are right here", " remember to belly breathe","emotions are just a set of physical sensations","feeling are not facts"

This is what I hear in surround sound at the moment all jumbled together with no silence, they are waiting on the end of my bed as I wake. Perched there like a vulture, ready to pounce on my first semi conscious thoughts. This is not their first party they have been here before and I am sure will come again as my life's circumstances dictate.

Stop all the Clocks

In this past 24 hours I have been contacted by a few new people who are only just learning that my darling G died 4 weeks and 6 days ago. So bizare to be having  this discussion again now, didn't the rest of the world feel that slamming earth jolt on Sunday 29/5/2011? While I understand that my world is so tiny in comparison to the universe. 34 dyas ago ther planet stopped spinning for me with the harshest shuddering slamming halt. Why couldn't you feel that? What was that day for you?

On this day what else happened out there? I am sure there were weddings, birthday parties, new souls born, sports games won and lost,injuries sustained ,first steps taken, people on first dates, photos taken, art created, pregnacies announced, all in all life went on as it does and is supposed to. But also I great loss was made, one of the most incredibly gentle generous souls I was ever to meet left us.

 Sunday 29th May 2011 etched into my spirit deep, gouging wound carved into my psyche. How many Sundays do we live how do we describe them. This sunny autumn Sunday for me what are the words I will use, horrid, shocking, stunning, slamming, awful, scarring, appalling, distressful, sad, abhorrent, ugly, painful, life altering, unpleasant  unacceptable, reprehensible well you get the general idea.

As always there is someone who can write the words better than I, hence a poem from Wynstan Auden, for me it says it all .

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good

Bollywood Diner

Not sleeping again surprise..surprise. It will happen when it supposed to, until then writing and re runs of Law and Order. So from the bleak Friday morning tribulations to a Friday night filled with sweetness, love and wayyyy too much good Indian food. That was nothing compared to the loving company of the angels. Several hours ago I wanted to call and cancel them but didn't . My reward tonight for getting through an ugly day was to just be with caring friends. For the first time in what feels like forever my thoughts were not absorbed for every single millisecond with self obsession over G.

I want to say the night was good but that feels so wrong to experience in G's notably absence. Kind of like going out without your pants on. It wasn't that forgot but more like it was not as heavy as it has been, for a short while at least. As my angels fly off home after feeding and loving me, here I am again missing G. Who do I tell about my evening shared with friends. For the moment you blog I tell you.

I need also to let you Jaxie the naughty had a great night too, my wickedly cute dog so loves company especially when that company sneaks him home Indian sweets. His joy at visitors means he was leaping around like an ADD kid on red cordial. He is beautiful and my own little four legged saviour of late. But be warned if stop in on your way through. He has no manners or boundaries. He loves to cuddle, snuggle and kiss. The boy is a total flirt. While I am a big fan of Ceasar's way my Jaxie has not been so much whispered as spoilt rotten.

Thank you angels for tonight, the gift of your company is priceless. I am blessed in my darkness

Bleak Friday Morning

Why can't I breathe today my lungs are not functioning, they will not inflate without a conscious decision on my part.Why am I  feeling like my chest is caving in on me, that cement block is still firmly in place. Is this a new kind of anxiety attack? The mere notion of having to leave my front door is terrifying today. What the fuck...awaking from a visionless sleep to thoughts of throwing myself in front of a train, down to ensuring I dress in dark colour so as not warn the driver I am on the tracks. While I can rationalise these thoughts as just wanting, longing, so desperately needing to be with G. They are coming all the time. Is this normal or am I ready for the asylum?

I call work for the 2nd day in a row to tell them I am not coming in today. Team leader tells me these days leave are coming from my sick leave days, like I give a flying fruitcake! But obviously we are past time where they understood , this has come to a close the forklifts are calling.

Today is a bad bad day,it is getting darker not lighter. Do the people in my world with think because I show up dressed and with my hair combed that I am ok, because heads up folks . I AM NOT OK.

Why today? What happened in my repose that today I awoke to a lack of oxygen and no room in my brain for anything other than my tiny world of grief. Even Jax the staffy  has been relegated to the backyard, he too is not pleased with me as his pitiful crying leaves me in no doubt. What happened? What happened in what I presumed to be state of dreamlessness oblivion that has made me so afraid to face the world today.

And what words do I use to tell the world that I can't do life today...maybe I can achieve the bear minimum. Christ I am still reminding myself to breathe and I have been alert an hour now.My very own angel team are coming out west tonight to visit but I want to tell them not to, how do I tell them not to care, not to be concerned, that I am alright when I am NOT. How do I let them know I am not open to being loved today.

Tell me what to do, G? Where are you? I want your guidance right now I want you to make me laugh at myself.  I want you to make these ugly difficult emotions to all fall away from my shoulders. The way you have done for me so many thousands have times before. What would G do ?

So alone with my grief, how do I reach out. So many people have said anything at any time, so I scroll through my phone looking for someone to call at 8.30am on Friday morning to talk to about this angst but I don't want to upset anyone else. I don't wish to cause any concern or interfere in their TGIF day. Please God let me know how the grieving souls survive this place. This my readers is hell, never before have the words "hell on earth" rung so true for me.

Survival tools is what I need now...my friendly local assigned psychologist Daz analysed me last Tuesday and gave me a sketch of how Tink deals with Trauma and chaos. So let go back to this for today anyway (he also said it wasn't a healthy survival tool) Need to set a goal for today.  My all time tried and true the TO DO list.

Pause the phone is ringing..........

So I stopped writing, to take a call from my boss, she ordered me to shower and to come to work. I resigned, she didn't accept. She claims she knows how I feel. Am I being a sook. Is this how it is for people forever more. Does it never get better than this. Is this what life will be walking through the blinding pain...I can't believe that. There is no way all the beings still on this earth grieving a love lost do that. The world would be barren of human existence if this was true. It has to get less burdensome somewhere along this track, I will not live my life just going through the motions. Maybe she helped by being pushy maybe not. She did bring forth the tears though.

 I don't know. Am I dwelling in this space too long. Am I on the pity pot? Where is the handbook for this ? Like life I am just bumbling along. Walking into walls and tables bouncing off and trying to do better when I know better.

So here it is the first time I have run headlong into grief, though in reality it was more like chicken little this pain fell out of the sky and smacked me in the head. I am a more than a little bruised and battered, will need more than an aspirin. Time to fix it, or at least put into place a disaster plan.

As read back over this before I click "publish post" ...perchance my unknowing prayer was answer I couldn't dial but someone did It wasn't soft and sweetness for sure, but conceivably I heard hope in the cranky frustrated ranting of someone who has trod this path before me.

Please god guide me forward, show me the way.

Any tips or guidance please feel free to let me know.