Another week....oh shit!

Here it is again the start of yet another week, it is like a counter. How long will I do this , calculate my life since the loss of G? This will be week 7 in a world without G, I don't know how many times I have sat alone in the cave of my own creation psyching myself up, planning how to face the world. It is a good plan, really it is To shower,dress put on my make up (so you don't comment on the dark circles) be calm and assured, to smile and be interested in your day, to be oh so productive and involved in my job, lots of plans and lists, but when the time comes to walk out the door I stumble again. Miss Havisham resurfaces and I long to draw the curtains and  hide, can I/will I  hide here forever?

I am afraid, scared that this will be my duration that I will just wait for my own reprieve from this aimlessness. Going through the ordinary motions of an existence. Joy and adventure seem as though they too have abandoned  me. I have no idea what it is that I can do to change the way I feel. Well actually I do but....... should I say I do not know what it is that is healthy and safe I can do to change the way I feel, I also want that whatever it is has substance to a little longevity would be nice.

So lost without G, haunted by memories, what ifs and images of my love. Wanting answers that I will never be able to hear. Wishing for the impossible. Alone in a relationship, wondering why ?