Why can't I breathe today my lungs are not functioning, they will not inflate without a conscious decision on my part.Why am I feeling like my chest is caving in on me, that cement block is still firmly in place. Is this a new kind of anxiety attack? The mere notion of having to leave my front door is terrifying today. What the fuck...awaking from a visionless sleep to thoughts of throwing myself in front of a train, down to ensuring I dress in dark colour so as not warn the driver I am on the tracks. While I can rationalise these thoughts as just wanting, longing, so desperately needing to be with G. They are coming all the time. Is this normal or am I ready for the asylum?
I call work for the 2nd day in a row to tell them I am not coming in today. Team leader tells me these days leave are coming from my sick leave days, like I give a flying fruitcake! But obviously we are past time where they understood , this has come to a close the forklifts are calling.
Today is a bad bad day,it is getting darker not lighter. Do the people in my world with think because I show up dressed and with my hair combed that I am ok, because heads up folks . I AM NOT OK.
Why today? What happened in my repose that today I awoke to a lack of oxygen and no room in my brain for anything other than my tiny world of grief. Even Jax the staffy has been relegated to the backyard, he too is not pleased with me as his pitiful crying leaves me in no doubt. What happened? What happened in what I presumed to be state of dreamlessness oblivion that has made me so afraid to face the world today.
And what words do I use to tell the world that I can't do life today...maybe I can achieve the bear minimum. Christ I am still reminding myself to breathe and I have been alert an hour now.My very own angel team are coming out west tonight to visit but I want to tell them not to, how do I tell them not to care, not to be concerned, that I am alright when I am NOT. How do I let them know I am not open to being loved today.
Tell me what to do, G? Where are you? I want your guidance right now I want you to make me laugh at myself. I want you to make these ugly difficult emotions to all fall away from my shoulders. The way you have done for me so many thousands have times before. What would G do ?
So alone with my grief, how do I reach out. So many people have said anything at any time, so I scroll through my phone looking for someone to call at 8.30am on Friday morning to talk to about this angst but I don't want to upset anyone else. I don't wish to cause any concern or interfere in their TGIF day. Please God let me know how the grieving souls survive this place. This my readers is hell, never before have the words "hell on earth" rung so true for me.
Survival tools is what I need now...my friendly local assigned psychologist Daz analysed me last Tuesday and gave me a sketch of how Tink deals with Trauma and chaos. So let go back to this for today anyway (he also said it wasn't a healthy survival tool) Need to set a goal for today. My all time tried and true the TO DO list.
Pause the phone is ringing..........
So I stopped writing, to take a call from my boss, she ordered me to shower and to come to work. I resigned, she didn't accept. She claims she knows how I feel. Am I being a sook. Is this how it is for people forever more. Does it never get better than this. Is this what life will be walking through the blinding pain...I can't believe that. There is no way all the beings still on this earth grieving a love lost do that. The world would be barren of human existence if this was true. It has to get less burdensome somewhere along this track, I will not live my life just going through the motions. Maybe she helped by being pushy maybe not. She did bring forth the tears though.
I don't know. Am I dwelling in this space too long. Am I on the pity pot? Where is the handbook for this ? Like life I am just bumbling along. Walking into walls and tables bouncing off and trying to do better when I know better.
So here it is the first time I have run headlong into grief, though in reality it was more like chicken little this pain fell out of the sky and smacked me in the head. I am a more than a little bruised and battered, will need more than an aspirin. Time to fix it, or at least put into place a disaster plan.
As read back over this before I click "publish post" ...perchance my unknowing prayer was answer I couldn't dial but someone did It wasn't soft and sweetness for sure, but conceivably I heard hope in the cranky frustrated ranting of someone who has trod this path before me.
Please god guide me forward, show me the way.
Any tips or guidance please feel free to let me know.
No comments:
Post a Comment