Exhaustion

I am so very very tired, the word exhaustion does just not seem to be adequate to explain.

 I do not enjoy waking any more, I have always been one of those annoying morning people who emerge from slumber with immediate alertness bouncing through the house looking for something to do, but no longer today I rouse with such reluctance. Each morning as I slip into consciousness so reluctantly, not wanting my brain to strart firing ever reminding me that the world I expected to last forever is gone, I want to "turtle" with each and every time I rouse wanting to slide further under the covers attempting to return to the oblivion of sleep.

I show up for most days to trudge through my duties knowing that this gloom will not last forever. Though just for today showing up is so totally physically taxing that I find myself examining the industrial carpet under my desk at work thinking hoe nice it would be to curl up and snooze there. (not a good look) .

Night can not come too quickly for this drowsy fairy, for this is the time that it is acceptable to be weary. There are no people to stand upright for, no community to have to dress for, no visitors, no invitations to have to accept and finally the phone stops ringing. . This is the part of the day that is mine, where I can collapse into my own space. That moment I can put on my night time regalia G's jumpers ,PJs & uhgss , and succumb to the exhaustion I feel. Every bone, sinew, cell every hair muscle and organ I possess are scream for rest. All I can contemplate is how tired I am. As I plonk myself on the lounge each evening I make the futile promise not to sleep there but I do.

This week my grief is tiring, wearing me down and out...or maybe I am just getting old.

My sleep is deep and dreamless (as far as I am aware) a dark reprieve from the machinations of my grey matter. The reward for heading out into the world.