Finding NO

Hi everyone (is there an every one I see visits but who knows?) So today I said NO for the first time in a while. When a certain someone told me that I was being selfish and that losing G was not about me, that tiny single syllable word came from my lips. I was able to find the words to say out loud that this is my journey, and I will do it any way I damn well please so sorry if my grieving will not fit into your idea of how I should do it.

For today I will not apologise for not being the woman you are used to. I will not squash into the cookie cutter you have created for me. If I am not present either physically or emotionally...build a bridge. If I want or need your advice, I promise I will seek it. If your agenda and my own do not coincide, I will always choose my own direction. I no longer wish to be buffeted around by your desires for comfort.

If you dislike my emotional vulnerability, are afraid of my tears, scared of my anger, worried about my safety, concerned by my truth. Now is the time to look the other way, talk about the weather. Nod and keep on moving. Turn the page. Feel free to walk away. I have faith that when I emerge from this storm and I will that I will be surrounded  by souls that will still love me. Our friendships will be stronger after the beating it has endured.

What is it I say no to, being strong, thinking he is in better place, attending every single event I am invited to, getting dressed everyday, being unchanged by my lovers loss, guilt or shame. This is my process however it evolves.


So I say NO. Absolutely not, by no means, negative, never, nix, no way, not at all, not by any means.