What Comes Next

49 Days now,49 days have  living with a gaping wound, 49 days of an altered world, 49 days of missing and yearning, 49 days of questing and learning, 49 days of grieving. Am I closer to acceptance at losing the love of my life. I  have no idea, I doubt it. I still look into G face in his photos and it is like he could walk out of them, reach out and touch me but he doesn't.

For the past three weeks there has been a new growing dimension to this journey. I have been reading and looking for ways to communicate with G.I have some answers I would really like to know the truth to, two really important ones in fact. Is this my mind opening up or is this the start of crazy?

So when we die what happens? Where do we go to? While not so long ago if you asked me this question I would have told you my opinion with no hesitation, dust to dust there is nothing, that would have been my statement. Not so easy now is it? My beliefs were based about what would happen to me if I died. Now I need a belief system that caters for those I love. Dead is not dead, is it?

I want G to be near me, I am comforted by the thought that he is here but not. Though the sceptic in me has not completely gone AWOL . Researching about the afterlife, angels, signs and such phenomenon. There is a lot of information, and I am sure a lot of bullshit so how do I work out the good from the bad.

I asked for a sign, any sign that G was near. So I heard his song on the radio, cant explain it clearly but enough said that when this song plays G is who comes to mind. In fact this was the song I chose for him to be played at his funeral, my song for G. Coincidence? Maybe, but the truth is I was thrilled to hear it and able to say Hi Baby nice to hear from you. I have also started dreaming again gone are the inanimate nights, the images are like movie scenes, they don't make much sagacity but they are there and I can recall them which is unusual for me, what they mean is less clear.

So is this proof, is this my evidence? There is more that I have not expressed to anyone, there is a place quiet near to my home, a church of type where they believe in the physic world. I have been wanting to go there, to a place where the belief in afterlife communication and such is a way of life, on Sundays they have a service. The past two Sundays I have planned to go and then chickened out. So Here it is Sunday again option there, do I don't I.

Am I crazy? Am I looking for comfort and consolation in the wrong place? Or is this learning?I need guidance with this, but will I listen? What do you think ?