Cops, Coroners & Crematoriums

Three months, three months I never would wish on anyone. It has been and eternatity and a heartbeat all at once. The reality that G isn't coming home still seems so far away. I stare at his photos and I feel like he could reach out and touch me. I still am quiet in my empty house in the early hours so I do not wake him. It still hurts every day when I return home and he is not there to kiss me at the door. I continue to miss him when I roll over in bed.

Three moths of dealing with institutions that keep referring to my G as "the deceased",  of trying to accept their procedures and policies while my heart in pulverised (broken is not the word for the pulp in my chest). Of continuing frustrations with the indifference that survivors are treated with. Banal words interspersed with the sympathetic tones ands the sighs as cops, coroners, morgue works, funeral directors, doctors, crematorium people (whatever their jobs are called) talk to me....guess what fuck you too.  I know, I know their just trying to do their job and it is tough blah blah blah .... but G is not my job. G was my best friend, my lover, my constant , my world. So yes I judge you!

Thirteen weeks where I have been introduced to so many new facets of dying, death knocks, caskets, body viewings, flowers, and words that are meant to mean so much, ashes and urns,post mortems, grief stages, meaningless words. What ifs up to my wazoo. Memories and triggers that drag me in to the past at the speed of light. Being an emotional rubber ball bouncing this way and that, back and forth.

Three months pretending that life is worth living when I no longer see the point. Why do we love? When love will inevitably end with pain. Three months of tears that I feel will never stop. 91 days of a truly physical ache.


"Love is an engraved invitation to grief"

No more RomCom

I'm done , that's it, no more, I promise, pledge, solemnly  swear on my other and a stack of bibles NO MORE ROMANTIC COMEDIES...I mean it.

Went to the cinema saw "Friend with Benefits" I laughed and has the ahh moments it was enjoyable big screen event but no more. Like MSG ok at the time but seriously screws me up afterward. I am on a self imposed RomCom sabbatical. I digest these movie's in a seriously bad way where is my happily ever after? I know know no one who has ridden off into the sunset or been in a flash mob with Justin Timberlake or Ryan Gosling. 

So here on out it will be action flicks, political doco's or horror on my tickets not nearly as appealing but am putting these expectation makers on the program. As the princess of expectations I need no help or encouragement in that department. 

Not that expectations are a bad thing but mine need to be realistic. Otherwise my life sux. Leave's me feeling that I am not enough of anything....smart, pretty, thin or rich. All in all a bitter after-taste that I can do without. If I can eliminate dairy from my life fairy tale daydreams should be easy...should,t they. 

 My life is good and I am blessed but I can lose all of that in moment once expectations rear their heads. I forget to be aware of all that I have achieved and been blessed with and focus solely on what I don't have, can't get or who I am not. That can be kind of twisted tourture. 

So goodbye Justin, Katherine, Hugh, Ryan, Mila Julia and all you other beautiful celluloid people wish you well but wont be seeing you any time soon. 

Change

So I've changed the name and the look of my blog..am I out of the darkness (I wish). No not yet but my journey is so much more than grieving G and our life together.

Hence a brighter page and the name still contemplating but removing the destination was a necessity... BLESS

It's OK

Reading about the laws of attraction. Thought it was a no brainer think big bucks but a lotto ticket and kapow look out Qantas here I come ummmm not still here in forklift land...what went wrong?

Apparently I need to come to terms / acceptance with my life today. And while I whine you know the grief, the grazed blue/black now swollen knees, blah blah blah.

So thinking about my life today..... if this is it not so bad a safe steady job in forklift world (still don't like the beige) where they like me and even find me amusing, I even got a hug from GI Joe yesterday. He is a giant of a man while I am a little (only a bit)on the short side so apparently it looked weird but it felt nice, warm even who know GI Joe was so affectionate.

My house cute warm and comfy for me and the naughty dog, who is currently under the house sulking cause we haven'y been for a walk yet. In a nice neighbourhood with grass that is way to long (not to worry on the TODO list this weekend).

An incredible concocted family of the most awesome loving oddbods you could find, and the love me to bits YEA ! They teach, support, entertain, inspire, adore me and they send me postcard too. Lova postcard. hint hint Darwin ?


Bills up to wazoo but electricity still on, petrol in the Baby Beast , incense burning and kitchen filled with food ... my little life is more than ok.

Do I want for more Hell yeah ..... but are my gifts more than adequate ?  Yes they are. Thank you 

Falling down and a Closed mind

Yesterday a kindly soul  told me that I am not at a dead end but more so in a tunnel or hose as she liken it where I have come to a wall or kink in the hose because my pain has block all light. Still pondering this wee pearl of info,

Not so sure I want be in a cold damp tunnel , defiantly not in a garden hose claustrophobia and such. Though I was struck with her incredible kindness and overwhelmed by my increasable ego. Not pleasant interactions when ego-bitch comes to the table. For she who carries a constant lack of self worth how on earth do I have an ego the size of the Opera House.

Considering 5 minutes before I met her I tripped over in the middle of North Parramatta (yea in public and yes people saw) , grazed and bruised knees and palms, handbag contents scattered all over the footpath. Got up pulled myself together as much as you can when you are scrabbling around in public cramming all your possessions back into your bag, dusting off your cigarette and trying not to cry....well I didn't cry for at least twenty meters later.

Where was my humility as this gentle woman tried to counsel me as I was bawling like a child, with a mountain of teary snotty tissues crammed in my hands and every pocket I was wearing. Instead ego-bitch took a hold of my mensa and all the time I was with her a nasty voice in my head was telling me she could not teach me anything or guide me anywhere....why I am like this? I beg for guidance then when it offered I do not listen. So do I just want my own way despite my pleas. Should I really be throwing a tantrum and demanding to give what I want even if it is not good for me. What am I really battling here? Does self delusion have me thinking I am open minded ?

What is it I want ... relief from the pain, answer to WHY, to change reality and have G back, financial security, a quiet mind ohh and bouncier better boobs too. There my wish list for today!

Crossroads..? Where are the signposts

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be.
 The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead...Luke OTH

There are moments in our live when we find ourselves at a crossroad, now I find my self at a dead end excuse the pun in there not intended believe me. there is no path forging ahead of me nor a a quick detour to the left. Just standing here with no idea which  way to go, If I turn to look back the road that got me here is evaporating too. There are no second chances or lets give it another go with G that life is gone, unless I want to embrace the crazy. Tempting as it is ...do not have the finances to play at being the crazy bitch.

So here I am what do I want ........ it has always been the easiest option for Tink to go along for the ride, share someone else's adventure. Or less scary to take along a travel buddy.  Solo has never been my ideal state of being, yet here we are me and the naughty dog, though he is not giving me a lot of direction ATM..damn.

God is not coming to the party either right now or at least his messages are lost in translations cause I can't hear them.

So the decisions I make today, will they define me or is it my lack of decisions that define me. So how does a scaredy cat like me push through ? Give me a substance to make me numb and I can rage against the world and all that it throws at me. But bare naked I am frozen in place every god damn fucking time.

Hear me when I say I have not desire to be the local lush but some dutch courage would not go astray right now. Bugger you god and your free will it does not feel like a gift today.

    

Labyrinth

Moving through this maze sometimes I walk sometimes I crawl but mostly I bumble through it.  Each turn reveals new emotions , hopes, defects, strengths or fears. Where did these parts of me exist before now ? Did the mundane of life really distract me so adequately or I have I been to these places before and run away. I wish I could go back and rewrite it all . Say things I should have said, unsay the words I didn't mean, why didn't I treasure all those moments, saying no when I should have screamed yes. Laid in bed all morning when the cleaning could have waited.  Why didn't I cling on tight rather then allowing time slip through my fingers.

I can't seem to find my way through this mess, just when I thing I am on the right path I will swing to a new direction and am lost again. As I reach out today the world feels cold and prickly as though the message is to stay still no forward no back just be here.  Where is my GPS for this time in my life. If this is a rabbit hole then wonderland is the wrong name.

Here I am again lost and lonely in this emotion

I see there is light and I have faith that is there, I just cant seem to find it

small Things

moments in time, a mouthful of words, small disenchantments all are able to crumble me

Today

What happens in the dark subconscious hours of my sleep, that cause me to awaken to under the raw heavy suffocating emotions of loss yet again. Barely had my heart beat once this morning before I knew it was back as my eyes opened all I could do was to curl agin into a foetal position sobs convulsing my body. Grief's weight has returned, just as it was before the besser block is back.

When I could ,and it took some time I crawled out of my bed stood in my empty house wondering what I had done or not done to back here, in this hopeless dark oppressive mood. The loss of G making it so difficult to get from the side of my bed to the kettle, how on earth was I going to get through this day?

And there is something new in my grieving, my grip on faith is slipping away. I feel abandoned not only by my love but by my god too. There is no light or reason right now that I can find in my life I wonder what is the point of my miserable existence. I don't question the absence of god for I am keenly aware of my worthlessness.

Believe me when I say the pain is not all emotional and spiritual, there is a tight relentless grip on my heart, lungs and throat it is very real they ache as I try to  draw breath in. I though this was getting better, I believed is was on the right path but still - I find myself back here,

I dress get in the car drive to work, all the while my head is chattering away telling me to go back to bed and dreaming up ways to die. The only prayer I can utter is a begging for God to take me away from this life to take me to G. Today I can't imagine getting though this I just want it to stop. Please I don't want to feel any more....I want to wrap my self in his clothes and find something anything to take away the pain and thinking.

I don't feel strong or worthy, I feel as though I am been punished for failing in all the ways that only I can fail.

Today is a wretched day. Today there is no light. Today I don't know how.Today there is no point. Today is almost over.

Is this a window ?

So I have been offered an opportunity to leave this place. Does it matter if I am running away. Away from all the memory triggers of G. Where ever I go I will take my grief with me, loving G and losing him has shaped my soul and nothing will change that.

This city or the next , this job or the next, this home or the next G will no longer grace with his physical presence. Thought the lessons he taught me, how to see the world through his irreverent humour, the memories infused into my heart and wounds he left on my being will be carried into each location I travel too.

Sydney is too painful sometimes, each corner I turn there is something to remember. Moments in time when I was too busy, preoccupied or distracted to be present in all rush back at me. Some make me smile, some make me cringe, but all  make me ache with the empty space beside me.

So do I go or do I stay ....... needing guidance here

You hurt because you're alive.

Tink: I hurt as bad as the day you died. 
G: You hurt because you're alive. 

Time to Leave ?

Why isn't this getting any easier?

I am tired of trying so hard...tired of choosing the next right action....tired of staying  in my faith..... tied of fighting off the crazy destructive thoughts

I want to stop. Is there an easier way out, please tell me.

I may have an opportunity to move far far away from here, is this a sign that it is ok to run....a new start, new city, new job, new me ???

So over thinking....trying to do right

What do you want Tink ?

If you love someone they may go away.....Love them with all you have anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered:

Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish or ulterior motives:

Be kind anyway

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies:

Succeed anyway

If you are Honest and Frank, people may cheat you:

Be honest and frank anyway

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight:

Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness, they maybe jealous:

Be happy anyway

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow:

Do good anyway

Give the world your best and it may never be enough:

Give the world your Best anyway

You see in the final analysis, it is between you and God:

It was never between you and them anyway

Distraction

It seems as though my life has become more than a little crazy of late, leaving me wondering what I had done to create all this chaos in multiple areas of my life. Then an angel whispered in my ear that maybe just maybe I was distracting.

I has an little Aha moment, putting all my energy into other people, places and events meant that I didn't have to be present in the experience of grieving G. Running around like a crazy person left a frazzled fairy in it's wake. Here I was wondering why the universe was directing all this drama my way AND it was me avoiding running away from my  process, all the actions I had promised myself and G I would not do.

So here I am trying to pull back and spend time with me and my grief, can't believe those words are emanating from my fingers. There is no honour or respect for the life we share in distraction.

Trying to find my way of connecting again playing with a very tactile way to express my memories creativly. This is going to sound so uncool but I am......wait for it...... scrap booking. There I said it doesn't exectly scream rock  n' roll but there are some other more me plans in place. TBA

Sitting with G's photos transports me to many different places and emotions. There are smiles, giggle and of course the ever soothing tears. As they all are laid out around me I get to talk to him. Revisit the life and adventures we shared. Appreciate that we did live a life that was in the most part joyous. Connect with the gratitude of loving G and being loved by him. I treasure being able to sit with his smile, his cheekiness and those beautiful blue eyes of his. There seems to be a lot of photos with his shirt of .....be was so vain sometimes.

My beautiful beautiful G, I miss you so much but thank you for loving me and allowing me the grace of sharing a life with you.

Buckle Up Baby

Of all the emotions I have been subjected to in past two months there is new and growing one ANGER. I have read all the grief stuff and know that anger is a part of the process. But it feels toxic, and the word anger feels like the wrong word....it is like a boiling bubbling rage building in me. Triggered by seriously nothing just rising to the surface leaving me grinding my teeth and trembling with effort to suppress it for it is for no one just the fact that we have been ripped off, ripped apart worlds shredded by the loss of G.

Yet again my grief is isolating me, leaving me feeling as though I am not fit for public consumption I feel horrid with this one I try to talk about it but when you ask why I have no explanation. I am just a very pissed off woman right now. There is no reason and there is the obvious reason this is not fair.

I want to rip and tear. Cause destruction and damage. I need to scream and howl at the world. I don't want to be self piteous but how can I when all I want to know is why? Why him ,why us, why me still acceptance seems so very far away. searching every where to find a place I can focus this energy.

While I know I am not I feel as though I am waling through this alone. Tears through rage NOT a great feeling. The desire to squeeze something so tightly it will be pulverised. I expected anger at G but is not directed at him just at life and the world in general.

I do not care what car you drive

I do not care what car you drive where you live. If you know some one who knows some one. If you clothes are this years cutting edge. If you trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list, B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the word that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

I do do not know who is author of these word but do love them 

Where is home ?

For a long time now, I lived the philosophy that home is my soft place to fall. Well now I don't know where home is. It is surely no longer my little house I come home every day to sad, empty and soulless. A desolate and emotionally vacant building.

This is really displacing for me, for years now I have been creating  what I thought was my home, filling it with furniture, linens,art, technology items at the time that warranted saving money and much consideration, today are just things with no significance to me now Was I creating a haven for me and G to share. I have put all this energy into what? I am clueless now cause this does not feel like home any more it did not so long ago. So what is it I have been doing all these years and why?

I could be walking into a hotel room for all the life and personality my house has now. I feel no warmth or connection to this building any longer.And  believe me, I truly want to come home so earnestly but somehow I have lost the feeling of my soft place to fall. And I don't have the faintest idea on how to recreate it.

I guess I have to redefine what home is to me. Is it G himself or is it the love we shared. Do I have to go somewhere new, do I really have to start all over, how do I take what was ours and make it mine? Will this empty nest feeling follow me to a new building?

So answer me this readers if there are any what is home to you? Maybe my thinking needs some directional input. Cause home is not here and I can go to G but I really want to come home.....needing those ruby slipper right about now Dorothy.

Tink's post card

Ever want to run away from it all, run away from the life you have created be it either good or bad. The reality is that it usually neither and both.

All the minutes, days, years filled with the monotonous drudgery of loving, all those loving friendly faces and then those you just want to smack. Memories, experiences, dreams fulfilled, abandoned or not yet reached their fruition. Leave all the things, the bills, responsibilities, expectations,the homes the children, pets and family , leave them all behind.

Just close the door behind you and walk away not look back go somewhere anywhere just away. There must be a place you can be invisible be nothing to anyone. Not be seen.

I want to go to away, in fact I don't want to walk I long to run there. Utopia where I don't have to show up !

I am not depressed or morbid. So don't worry.  I simply want a holiday from my life. I would love to go somewhere pretty and indulge the ugly me. I would lay on the sand warmed from the sun and snap and growl at anyone who dared approach me.I would fart and burp out loud.  I might not brush my hair or even my teeth. Spend all time in my pyjamas. not make any small talk or look for the silver linings. Talk about me to me, chatter on at length on topics that only interest me. Sleep wherever and when ever I want. Throw my rubbish both physical and emotional  all over the place with no concern who might step in it. What a luxury and I am off on rant now but I am indulging me. I would lie, steal cheat anyone I want to. I could even be brutal honest to people faces telling them all my private nasty thinking. Laugh hysterically at their discomfort, giggle about their misfortune. Bleat in self pity.... oops already there with that one.

I am so very very weary right now and if anyone else tells me the God does not give us more than we can handle I might just well...slap them...hard.

So here's the warning if you happen to bump into a cranky, crazy, smelly, negative soul muttering to themselves keep you platitudes to a minimum cause you might just end up with a black eye.

Good night  All  xoxox