Yesterday a kindly soul told me that I am not at a dead end but more so in a tunnel or hose as she liken it where I have come to a wall or kink in the hose because my pain has block all light. Still pondering this wee pearl of info,
Not so sure I want be in a cold damp tunnel , defiantly not in a garden hose claustrophobia and such. Though I was struck with her incredible kindness and overwhelmed by my increasable ego. Not pleasant interactions when ego-bitch comes to the table. For she who carries a constant lack of self worth how on earth do I have an ego the size of the Opera House.
Considering 5 minutes before I met her I tripped over in the middle of North Parramatta (yea in public and yes people saw) , grazed and bruised knees and palms, handbag contents scattered all over the footpath. Got up pulled myself together as much as you can when you are scrabbling around in public cramming all your possessions back into your bag, dusting off your cigarette and trying not to cry....well I didn't cry for at least twenty meters later.
Where was my humility as this gentle woman tried to counsel me as I was bawling like a child, with a mountain of teary snotty tissues crammed in my hands and every pocket I was wearing. Instead ego-bitch took a hold of my mensa and all the time I was with her a nasty voice in my head was telling me she could not teach me anything or guide me anywhere....why I am like this? I beg for guidance then when it offered I do not listen. So do I just want my own way despite my pleas. Should I really be throwing a tantrum and demanding to give what I want even if it is not good for me. What am I really battling here? Does self delusion have me thinking I am open minded ?
What is it I want ... relief from the pain, answer to WHY, to change reality and have G back, financial security, a quiet mind ohh and bouncier better boobs too. There my wish list for today!
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