Today

What happens in the dark subconscious hours of my sleep, that cause me to awaken to under the raw heavy suffocating emotions of loss yet again. Barely had my heart beat once this morning before I knew it was back as my eyes opened all I could do was to curl agin into a foetal position sobs convulsing my body. Grief's weight has returned, just as it was before the besser block is back.

When I could ,and it took some time I crawled out of my bed stood in my empty house wondering what I had done or not done to back here, in this hopeless dark oppressive mood. The loss of G making it so difficult to get from the side of my bed to the kettle, how on earth was I going to get through this day?

And there is something new in my grieving, my grip on faith is slipping away. I feel abandoned not only by my love but by my god too. There is no light or reason right now that I can find in my life I wonder what is the point of my miserable existence. I don't question the absence of god for I am keenly aware of my worthlessness.

Believe me when I say the pain is not all emotional and spiritual, there is a tight relentless grip on my heart, lungs and throat it is very real they ache as I try to  draw breath in. I though this was getting better, I believed is was on the right path but still - I find myself back here,

I dress get in the car drive to work, all the while my head is chattering away telling me to go back to bed and dreaming up ways to die. The only prayer I can utter is a begging for God to take me away from this life to take me to G. Today I can't imagine getting though this I just want it to stop. Please I don't want to feel any more....I want to wrap my self in his clothes and find something anything to take away the pain and thinking.

I don't feel strong or worthy, I feel as though I am been punished for failing in all the ways that only I can fail.

Today is a wretched day. Today there is no light. Today I don't know how.Today there is no point. Today is almost over.