Being present in the moment seems so elusive, I've grasped the concept but OMG so hard to do between the past haunting and tormenting me and the future of my shoulds and musts staying grounded in now is nigh on impossible. It is reactionary of course I still wake every morning reach across and remember again so if I am unable to slide back into sleeping my head as if it is on auto pilot starts to formulate how life could be without G sped off into some fantasy future where the pain of grief has lessened and I am living a life of the perfect person - not at all achievable but fairy tales are better than today aren't they. is this how Enid lived in her head?
Of course when I am not visiting Once upon a time... I am off in the land of Before When, filled with recollections, memories where G was alive and I can remember when... almost like I am endeavouring to carve every moment we spent together into my brain afraid I may forget a moment of my time with G. Knowing If I had the chance I would do it all over again the good, bad, ugly, mundane all over again in less than a heartbeat. I can spent hours looking at his photos reliving the time before the shutter lens snapped. Though we all know I won't get the chance so this place I go to is all I have my time with G so very very precious I am clinging on to all of reminiscences that I have.
How can I and why would I stay in the present when it still holds so much loss and pain, would you..really would you ? I don't know what is normal at this point. Sometimes I do not want to do what you think, the books say or even what I know is best for me. I just want to get through a day where there is an absence of torture.
So please forgive me ignore me do whatever it is you need to do to say present in your very own moment and I will continue to work towards mine. I will get there I am sure I will....just for today I am weary of this journey.
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