Tell me HOW

So here it is 4 long agonising months after losing G, one god-awful day after what should have been his 37th birthday. What do I know ?  I miss him so still and accepting that he will never again walk through my door is turning out to be harder than this fairy had first anticipated. It's not like I believe he will rise from the dead (One way to get on 60 minutes huh) but his presence in my life has been so encompassing for so long I don't recall what life was like before G.


So life without him is still revealing itself to me, 4 months of sitting on my couch ( well it was nasty icy winter after all)  trying to work out the best way through this grief, the best way to fix it, get over it, heal thy self. It ain't gonna happen is it? I am doing the psychologist, the journaling, the praying, meetings, talking blah blah blah all in some vain attempt not to feel the heart wrenching pain. None of it work I still hurt I now just know why and what pattern I have and pages of ramblings about it, I am not saying all the work did not have some benefit but it wasn't morphine....it still aches like a MOTHER-FUCKER.

And is this the mark of life the ache we leave behind, the fact that my world has now been so indelibly stamped by G it will never be the same as it was before I met him.. His permanence's in my life is like a scar or tattoo that may fade but will always be present.

So HOW please tell me HOW to let him go on his path and move forward on mine......HOW not to lay blame be it my self or you ....teach me HOW to get to acceptance. HOW is it those I walk among in grief are not on their knees screaming out their pain

And if you tell me time I swear that I will slap you up side the head...I swear it.

Today naughty dog and I went for a walk in the sun, played with the ball and found a perfect flower ..... all the while with the chasamist void that is G.... I miss him