Where's my Hallmark ?

"Be angry at God" , I am told but the truth is I am afraid to be angry at God. seriously 2011 has has way too much abandonment so far I don't want to lose god too, yet despite my attempts at acceptance my faith is slipping away...the more I try too hold on the faster it is melting.

I have never been good at seeing god in the moment, but as I look backwards I see it everywhere. There has been a constant greater good looking out for me, hauling me out of the crazy situations I seem to creatively  find myself in. All of the "adventures" I have found myself in I have left them unscathed in most cases. Do soul scars count?

So who is my GOD ? Well I call it god for want of a better word you may call it Buddha, Allah, higher power, the universe whatever the label does not concern me too much. For me it is a belief that I am not running this show that there is an energy, loving and caring for me. That it has been present forever but I drift in and out of connectedness with it.

Right now not so connected. If I has to visualise that energy today I would say it is a spun crystal ball when what I really need is a soccer ball. Feeling a abandoned, punished and confused. Why is it I feel as though I can not ask, beg for it aid rather that I must request only guidance? Screw your guidance I need fucking neon arrows to the direction I am heading in, hey you a little dark right now. How about a piggy back ?

I am showing up for this wretched existence today I am out of bed, dressed and sober so why do you ante up god..needing a little hallmark right now.

AMEN