A New Landscape

Widow...what a word, I have been letting it settle around me, seeing how fit what it like to walk in to say it out loud. Immersed in  writing and reading lots of reading in an online community of people sharing their experience, strength and hope with each other. So deeply appreciative of the experience of being able to learn from kindred spirits.

As I devour and absorb the journey's of others who that lost their spouses and been generous with individual widow experiences, I try and chart my progress through grief. Still trying to claim some shred normalcy in my life and thinking. Attempting to make sense of my grieving , reassuring myself I am not too weird am I?

Though reading from other lives in a variety of time frames from their moment of loss, I am confronted with my own expectations, judgment and fears of what life should be like after losing G.

What will my landscape look like now.. already afraid of intimacy afraid to be hurt. My very own self imposed guidelines are completely screwed up by losing  G I did not factor his death into my plan.. not even remotely so here I  am in the grief wilderness trying to make sense of all the new information I am learning. Building a whole new world...slowly but building all the same. One day at a time ...one step at a time..

Tis' the Season of Trepiadation

So it looming nothing I can do will delay it, but this year all I want for Christmas is for it not to happen...I am not sure how I feel or how I will be at the most wonderful time of the year but I do know it will be missing a certain someone special. I know I am not alone in wishing  that Santa would bump into Dexter or some such.

For the cool factor I would like to claim that I am not all that chistmassy but truth be told I do so enjoy all the sparke and glitter  that december brings. Not especially into food or family . But the trimmings yes decorations and fairy lights . As a self confessed lover of all that is shiny. Yuletide brings the perfect excuse for me to tap into my inner Liz T.

As yet 2011 there is no Tink's tinsel-mania that I am able to tap into. In past years I have been known to clap my hands in joy at the sight a twinkle of tinsel. G even bought home a tree with inbuilt twinkle and sparkle one it was plugged in the wall and that was before I tarted it up with more glitter. I am pretty sure he thought that if it already glittered I would add no more ERR wrong I just ladened that fucker up till it was a fire hazard, You may laugh and I do not know why this is so but I LOVE SPARKLE so tinsel has the power to stop me in my tracks. Caught in sunlight or strategically placed retail lighting I am lost. Nothing is to twee or tacky god knows where it stems from maybe I hailed from Las Vegas in a past life. But there it is all I can do is roll with it.

Not this year though I have been in and wandered around the bauble aisles really trying to tempt myself but as yet have walked away with nothing, There is no festive mood brimming. Not even the slightest spark. My collegues are waiting for my annual tinsel chandelier ( yes I know but it is true...). I can see the homes priming and preening but all to no avail,.

So I have done most of the dutiful shopping already but currently lumped in heap on my dining room table waiting to be wrapped and tied. As for the rest .....

So what do you do to avoid Christmas...

This ain't Kansas

So I have found an online community where I fit.

Thank ya Jesssus

Sorry, but finding a place where what I say and feel are the norm, what relief there is in the compassion of a shared journey even if that journey is ugly. A place where I am not the only one questioning their sanity or experiencing the world in this way at this time. A place where I can see hope. That while I am unable to see past my own pain at this point that other have carved a path before me. I am grateful. I am not alone

I have a new label.....

Medicate my Grief

Can you medicate grief away ?

I can well I could....Bourbon, Valium, pot, coke the list goes on. But can my GP fix this with pills ?

Isn't this what I try so hard to fight, is this not the war I have wager for the past 10 years to live life on it own terms with no chemical intervention? Are SRI's not hypocrasy ..for gods sake I have not even taken codeine for a decade?

Is this life, grief or is it mental illness. I am now suppose to take drugs to accept. The sadness, wondering what the point of this existence is, the guilt, want to not live, missing him still all of this is this grief or am I depressed or has this broken me....

What difference will a script make? You know almost every day I get up, shower, clean, go to work, grocery shop,watch the TV, return the calls....do I really have to enjoy it too?

When is hurting too long...not enough ... just right. Will it stop all by itself or does it need intervention.

I swear if I hear the words "everyone is different" one more god damm time. Just tell me what is normal.

I think the past decade of life was pointed in the wrong direction. Except for G what was the point of it all...cause I know nothing after all. So much time wasted on the ramblings of a couple of drunks. WTF !!!

What have I missed ...... cause right now Just for Today it all means nothing. Life is no easier

When...

When ...when,when when ?

This is word is embedded in my brain, it is the only answer I want right now.Please tell me when?  It used to be why.

When will this pain end, When will I be OK again, When will my world be normal again, When will this be over

When ? Please tell me

How much do you love

“Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.”

—	ORSON SCOTT CARD

Fat lil Fairy

Fat, plump,chubby, curvaceous, voluptuous, obese, tubby, wobbly, plus size

11 kilos are you kidding me.... that is how much weight I have gained in the past 5 months.

You would think that at the very least I could get from being in pain for soooo long is thinner. But NOOO not tubby Tink

Yes I know not very pc...I am not the poster child for self acceptance, actually I could be the poster child for self loathing... oh dear brain has trailed off into some weird tangent..what was I saying oh year ...11 kilos oh dear...and you know getting it off is going to be filled with all sorts of nasties...like the need to buy bigger pants just to begin with...no wonder widows where black

Friken grief weight .......

thank you poison

A week-end planned at home alone..or so I thought......
My whole community has left the city for faraway places ..or so I thought......
Solitude..or so I thought.....
Time to dance alone with my pain....or so I thought

But I was surprised as I have kept company of some fine angles ...never how I would think they would present to me no feminin charm rather bubbling with testosterone, tattooed, bespectacled, paunchy, bald and a little goofy....they stood by me with kindness, delighted me with their wit,laughed with me were protective in a sweet way .

A surprise that opens my mind.

These guys certainly did that in a way that was unexpected, this morning I am thinking new thoughts and the tiny sparkle of hope is a glimmer. Let me see how long it will last ....

But Thank You

Thank you Drew

Drew Barrymore thank you you made me LOL watching you in "going the distance"

I laughed, giggled, chuckled, smiles, pissed myself,grinned a real true belly laugh and thank you

You asked.....

Do you really listen, do I ? I can not seem to be heard it is as though I have lost the ability to talk in my native language I talk to people but they do not hear me it is not as though I am saying anything irrational or bizarre. well OK the wanting not live bit not completely Disney ... but still 2011 is has been a very sucky year , I am feeling as though is not that abnormal to wonder what the point is.... anyway aside from that. I say no thank you to people and no one hears they keep asking or worse hearing a completly different answer.  

Do you ask as question and have my answer already formulated in your brain. Sure I acquiesce you may want something else for me you may think that you answer will benefit me more than mine. Though you asked ME and I honoured you with my truth. I did not lie, bullshit you or piss in your pocket.

Tink do you want to come on holiday with us it will be so much fun ..... no thank you babe I appreciate the offer but I do not want to go the coast with you.... how much more clear can that be but NO after this response on three different occasions..... in frustration I say ...please count me out as this is the place G and I went camping so I really do not feel as though this is a place I am ready to visit. The response I get get is oh don't worry we are not going right there but up the road a bit....why don't you think about it. What did I just speak in chinese I said no.....but it get better now I have let her down OMFG

So what was the right answer?

Gee that will make all the fucking difference wont  a few km's up the road from where me and my dead partner  made memories together.... seriously girl as long as you are not alone....I don't mind reliving those memories that 5 months later....are you fucken serious if you ask me something then LISTEN for the answer it my not be the one you want but it is MY answer

So what is solution ? I don't know well I do avoidance and lying ....but let call this having some space and ummm look I can't think of a nice pc word from lying to you ...

I say acceptance you heard depression. I say freedom you hear suicide. I say relief  you hear relapse. I say reality you hear mental illness. I say broken you hear grief. I say insane you hear sad. I say need peace you hear need medication

I say pain I hope you hear pain. 

Crazy sits here

So my burning stay awake for hours question of the moment is -  Am I Sane?

The Tink answer is nooooo ....though how I feel and think or rather don't feel as the case may be but it is proving somewhat more difficult too ascertain a definitive result. You would think it would be relatively easy to work out if I am crackers or not , wouldn't you? But No not so straight forward,.

No one wants to say you are a fruitcake, though hearing it may be quiet comforting to me right now. it is apparently quiet alright to diagnose any number of other  labels  depressed ,sad, grieving, confused or maybe having a bad day..... not to worry it will pass !! You say that to me and I might just smack you  - sorry your majesty I plead crazy.

What do you ask make this fairy woman question her own soundness of mind. Well I want to die ... even I know that's not right. I don't mean just today, but every day  for the past 5 months. Prayers for heart attack, aneurysm, death in sleep or being ploughed into by a speeding truck have come to no avail. Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my breath to keep, I should die before I wake - I will be forever grateful  I try not to obsess about all the ways  I could take matters into my own hands... I said I try. Don't stress this is no suicide note but I need to work it out ...that is my sanity or lack there of as the case maybe.

Not only am I isolating from people in my life but actively attempting to dismantle relationships , I wouldn't say consciously but really doing very well at driving people away. Not that I find it alarming, actually quiet relieving since no one seem to understand me (another tick in the nutter's-r-us column).

Guess there are some of the big questions going on too nothing revolutionary just the regular ,  why are we (me) here and so forth ... no answers (well are are there any) - but right at this point in my life, life appears quiet pointless to me. live - die, same -same. I am not exactly curing cancer here people just another blob of matter.

Now all in all this should be a straight up check in the insane box, except there is this part of me that knows where my mind is at present is not normal  - so if I was insane then I would not be aware of this would I ?

5 Months

So as the months go on my self expectations rise and  I fail to meet my own criteria. I am nuts I am sure of it. Grief has uncovered the crazy that I really am, it is not the cause but the pain and reflection that is the consequence of loss has snapped the veneer of sanity that I have lived within.

I still find myself attempting to function through what I think life should be like ( auto pilot is on ), but the pretence is exhausting and I am out of alternatives and options for the reason for my own existence. I am not a genius and all though my head never is quiet - I am not a thinker or ponderer, I just have a un-tuned radio embedded  in my skull emitting annoying white-noise all the time.

Is this some kind of cry for help FUCK yes. My God, if you have the answers then don't hold back cause I do not have a fucking clue - I said it I don't know how ... why ... I know nothing at all about life. So all my life experiences bring me here to this point knowing nothing at all .

I need not all the answers to the world , peace, injustice , environmental damage, racism, poverty  not at all . Just one question ... what is the point of ME?

sanity

Querying my sanity.... thinking I am seriously screwed up.

News Flash....what ever made you think you were normal - all it took was one nudge (admittedly a sizable nudge - but one that was unavoidable all the same)

So where from here
                                          step one Own your crazy ..... tick
                                          step two ???????