A New Landscape

Widow...what a word, I have been letting it settle around me, seeing how fit what it like to walk in to say it out loud. Immersed in  writing and reading lots of reading in an online community of people sharing their experience, strength and hope with each other. So deeply appreciative of the experience of being able to learn from kindred spirits.

As I devour and absorb the journey's of others who that lost their spouses and been generous with individual widow experiences, I try and chart my progress through grief. Still trying to claim some shred normalcy in my life and thinking. Attempting to make sense of my grieving , reassuring myself I am not too weird am I?

Though reading from other lives in a variety of time frames from their moment of loss, I am confronted with my own expectations, judgment and fears of what life should be like after losing G.

What will my landscape look like now.. already afraid of intimacy afraid to be hurt. My very own self imposed guidelines are completely screwed up by losing  G I did not factor his death into my plan.. not even remotely so here I  am in the grief wilderness trying to make sense of all the new information I am learning. Building a whole new world...slowly but building all the same. One day at a time ...one step at a time..