Light up

Not the End

So it's been a while 12 months since my last post... I stumble across this blog by accident and reading it again made me aware of how much has happened in the months that have passed. I somehow wish I could say I miss G less but I don't and have come to accept that I never will. G my darling darling man you have scarred me. My soul , my heart, my words, my thoughts, my beliefs, my deeds you have etched on me and I will be forever gratful for these changes.

When I last wrote the darkmess of depression weighed heavy I truly believed that my life was to be a waiting room. Lonely, lost, sterile, cold just waiting out my time on this planet to die and maybe meet G again. A place where I took to harming myself just to feel anything at all. A place where missing my lover was all that existed. Dismanteling all other realtionships in my life in order to perpetuate the pain and loss.

BUT.... I am blessed by people who love me despite how I respond to life. To those who reached through all the mess and confusion to pull me out.

I AM LOVED and I AM LOVABLE

The astounding depth of my own self loathing intertwined with grief make a toxic combination. I have learned a lot in the past year. Grief has altered me irrevoacably.

So where do I go from here ... do I continue this blog ???? My life is still minus you ... always will be G.

But is not the end .......