So it's been a while 12 months since my last post... I stumble across this blog by accident and reading it again made me aware of how much has happened in the months that have passed. I somehow wish I could say I miss G less but I don't and have come to accept that I never will. G my darling darling man you have scarred me. My soul , my heart, my words, my thoughts, my beliefs, my deeds you have etched on me and I will be forever gratful for these changes.
When I last wrote the darkmess of depression weighed heavy I truly believed that my life was to be a waiting room. Lonely, lost, sterile, cold just waiting out my time on this planet to die and maybe meet G again. A place where I took to harming myself just to feel anything at all. A place where missing my lover was all that existed. Dismanteling all other realtionships in my life in order to perpetuate the pain and loss.
BUT.... I am blessed by people who love me despite how I respond to life. To those who reached through all the mess and confusion to pull me out.
I AM LOVED and I AM LOVABLE
The astounding depth of my own self loathing intertwined with grief make a toxic combination. I have learned a lot in the past year. Grief has altered me irrevoacably.
So where do I go from here ... do I continue this blog ???? My life is still minus you ... always will be G.
But is not the end .......
that is truly beautiful. your grief made tangible by the act of writing. i must say to you that in sharing your pain through your story u have cemented in my mind what a strong, beautiful and inspiring woman you are..... keep writing sweetheart for it is hear that you bring light to others <3
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