Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break,that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.
- Kahlil Gibran
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Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
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Belly Breathing
This is a very powerful and very simple technique. It teaches you slow breathing from the "diaphragm" or belly. It relaxes you anddirectly reduces many of the symptoms of anxiety and panic. It can be both the first step in mastering panic and the first step in learning meditation.
Plan to practice Belly Breathing once a day, starting with five minutes. Then, gradually increase the time up to about 15 minutes.
Here's a good way to learn Belly Breathing:
Lie comfortably on your back, with a pillow under your head, your knees bent and your back flat. You can stretch your legs out if that's more comfortable. Place one hand on your belly. Once you're comfortable, you can start the exercise.
Inhale while you slowly count to 4. Expand your belly as much as you can – like a balloon. You know you're doing "belly breathing" right when you can feel your belly expand. Then, exhale to the slow count of 4, just letting all the air out of the balloon. As you exhale, just feel yourself letting go of tension.
Keep repeating the belly breathing to the slow count of 4. When your mind wanders, just gently bring your attention back to the counting and belly breathing.
After you have practiced this exercise for about a week, try doing your Belly Breathing when you are sitting. Then, try it at different times during the day, even when you are standing. Notice that it is very relaxing.
Once you have mastered your Belly Breathing, you can use it when you have symptoms of anxiety or panic. Many of the "scary sensations" of panic are related to "hyperventilation", which simply means rapid breathing. Also, during panic, people tend to breathe from the chest instead of from the belly. Breathing rapidly from the chest increases anxiety. Breathing slowly from the belly lowers anxiety and reduces many of the "scary sensations" of panic.
***********************************************************************10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
Don’t ask, just help.
Finding the right words to say to a grieving friend.
ONE OF THE MISTAKES we make is asking people in deep grief how we can help them. They are often too lost in their own sorrow to identify needs. It’s okay to ask; but just know you can step in and help.
For instance, if it’s after the funeral at a reception and the trash needs to be taken out – don’t ask, just help. In the old days we would gather around the loved one and just do things for them. Bring over some food so that they don’t have to cook but can still eat well. You probably know their life—offer to pick up the kids, help them with their yard, offer to take them on errands.
Keep in mind when trying to find the right words to say to someone in grief—context, timing and who is saying them is everything!
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
- At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
- He is in a better place.
- She brought this on herself.
- There is a reason for everything.
- Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now.
- You can have another child still.
- She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.
- I know how you feel.
- She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
- Be strong.
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
- I am so sorry for your loss.
- I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
- I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
- You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
- My favorite memory of your loved one is….
- I am always just a phone call away.
- Give a hug instead of saying something.
- We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
- I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
- Saying nothing, just be with the person.
Many of us have said “The Best” and “The Worst.” We meant no harm. In fact, we meant just the opposite. We were trying to comfort. A grieving person may say one of the worst ones about themselves and it’s okay. It may make sense for a member of the clergy to say, “He is in a better place” when someone comes to them for guidance; whereas an acquaintance saying it may not feel good.
Here are some of the traits that make the best, “The Best” and the worst, “The Worst”
Traits of the Worst Ones
- They want to fix the loss.
- They are about our discomfort.
- They are directive in nature.
- They rationalize or try to explain loss.
- They may be judgmental.
- Not about griever.
- May minimize the loss.
- Put a timeline on loss.
Traits of the Best Ones
- They are supportive, but are not trying to fix it.
- It’s about feelings.
- They are nonactive, not telling anyone what to do.
- They are admitting that they can’t make it better.
- They are not asking for something or someone to change feelings.
- They recognize the loss.
- There are no time limits.
In the final analysis, one thing is clear to me: Life ends, but love is eternal.
