Right Here Right Now

Being present in the moment seems so elusive, I've grasped the concept but OMG so hard to do between the past haunting and tormenting me and the future of  my shoulds and musts staying grounded in now is nigh on impossible. It is reactionary of course I still wake every morning reach across and remember again so if I am unable to slide back into sleeping my head as if it is on auto pilot starts to formulate how life could be without G  sped off into some fantasy future where the pain of grief has lessened and I am living a life of the perfect person - not at all achievable but fairy tales are better than today aren't they. is this how Enid lived in her head?

Of course when I am not visiting Once upon a time... I am off in the land of Before When, filled with recollections, memories where G was alive and I can remember when... almost like I am endeavouring to carve every moment we spent together into my brain afraid I may forget a moment of my time with G. Knowing If I had the chance I would do it all over again the good, bad, ugly, mundane all over again in less than a heartbeat. I can spent hours looking at his photos reliving the time before the shutter lens snapped. Though we all know I won't get the chance so this place I go to is all I have my time with G so very very precious I am clinging on to all of reminiscences that I have.

How can I and why would I stay in the present when it still holds so much loss and pain, would you..really would you ? I don't know what is normal at this point. Sometimes I do not want to do what you think, the books say or even what I know is best for me. I just want to get through a day where there is an absence of torture.
So please forgive me ignore me do whatever it is you need to do to say present in your very own moment and I will continue to work towards mine. I will get there I am sure I will....just for today I am weary of this journey.

Live

As well grow up we learn that even the person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than one and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when your was broken. You will fight with you best friend. You'll blame new love for things old loves did. You will cry because time is passing you too fast  and eventually you will lose someone you love before your ready.


So take too many pictures, laugh till you cry - often and LOVE like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds is a minute of happiness you will never get back but you can etch it in you memory and carry it forever. 

Tell me HOW

So here it is 4 long agonising months after losing G, one god-awful day after what should have been his 37th birthday. What do I know ?  I miss him so still and accepting that he will never again walk through my door is turning out to be harder than this fairy had first anticipated. It's not like I believe he will rise from the dead (One way to get on 60 minutes huh) but his presence in my life has been so encompassing for so long I don't recall what life was like before G.


So life without him is still revealing itself to me, 4 months of sitting on my couch ( well it was nasty icy winter after all)  trying to work out the best way through this grief, the best way to fix it, get over it, heal thy self. It ain't gonna happen is it? I am doing the psychologist, the journaling, the praying, meetings, talking blah blah blah all in some vain attempt not to feel the heart wrenching pain. None of it work I still hurt I now just know why and what pattern I have and pages of ramblings about it, I am not saying all the work did not have some benefit but it wasn't morphine....it still aches like a MOTHER-FUCKER.

And is this the mark of life the ache we leave behind, the fact that my world has now been so indelibly stamped by G it will never be the same as it was before I met him.. His permanence's in my life is like a scar or tattoo that may fade but will always be present.

So HOW please tell me HOW to let him go on his path and move forward on mine......HOW not to lay blame be it my self or you ....teach me HOW to get to acceptance. HOW is it those I walk among in grief are not on their knees screaming out their pain

And if you tell me time I swear that I will slap you up side the head...I swear it.

Today naughty dog and I went for a walk in the sun, played with the ball and found a perfect flower ..... all the while with the chasamist void that is G.... I miss him

unconsciousness is the only answer

My comment on this day official the 2nd most fucked up day of 2011.... there is not enough sleeping hours, red liquorish or foxtel to make this day even the slightest bit more bearable. Solution, unconsciousness

22 September 2011

G should be 37 years old today but he is not and never still , the perennial 36 year old .....
I should be waking up next to you cuddling you but I am not...
I should be able to tease you about growing older but I am not.....
The year ahead stars for Virgo should be read but they wont....
There should be prettily wrapped gifts of surprise and love but there isn't ....

Today 37 years ago a wonderful soul came to being in you G for that reason alone 22 September will always be a special day for me.... miss you so babe, You have no idea how much it hurts here without you.

They Say.....

It has been a while....just not felt like it but here I am again

THEY SAY…….time will heal (they can not tell me when)

......he is in a better place (they cant tell me where though…and they have never been there)

......I can feel him (well I can’t so what does that mean?)

......how you feel is normal (define normal)

......I miss him too (really !!!  really !!!)

......Are you ok  (NO)

......It will get better (when)

.......You need to let go (can they tell me how to do that)

.......How are you (they don’t want the real answer)

.......It will get better (guess what no it isn't)

........you need to accept he is gone (they didn't spend time with his body so what makes them think I don't accept he is dead)

They care for me, love me and drive me mental sometimes. I thought I could plan my way through grief, if I did all the right things maybe it wouldn't hurt so much for so long .....guess again Tink. Hang on and try to take some solace in the words and existence of those that have gone before you

So tell me what is the point ?

Feeling like this is a losing battle. The moroseness that has been woven into my being leave no glimmer of light. The tears come all the time with no warning or respect for the environment I am in. Directionless in all areas of my life. I get up go to work seems the only function I have currently.

Wake up, get out of bed, shower, dress get my self from my house to my work place that's is all there is mu only purpose. Have I really become this shadow, a dark figure with no depth or light. Each way I turn for guidance leaves me wanting...and I keep coming back to this same space please make the pain go away. I know how to do this and the resulting consequences seem to matter less with passing time...actually some of the consequences are starting to look inviting.

I am on my knees asking for help and guidance but the is none... maybe that is the truth. I am praying to nothing, my existence is pointless.

We arrive - We exist - We die - THE END

Where's my Hallmark ?

"Be angry at God" , I am told but the truth is I am afraid to be angry at God. seriously 2011 has has way too much abandonment so far I don't want to lose god too, yet despite my attempts at acceptance my faith is slipping away...the more I try too hold on the faster it is melting.

I have never been good at seeing god in the moment, but as I look backwards I see it everywhere. There has been a constant greater good looking out for me, hauling me out of the crazy situations I seem to creatively  find myself in. All of the "adventures" I have found myself in I have left them unscathed in most cases. Do soul scars count?

So who is my GOD ? Well I call it god for want of a better word you may call it Buddha, Allah, higher power, the universe whatever the label does not concern me too much. For me it is a belief that I am not running this show that there is an energy, loving and caring for me. That it has been present forever but I drift in and out of connectedness with it.

Right now not so connected. If I has to visualise that energy today I would say it is a spun crystal ball when what I really need is a soccer ball. Feeling a abandoned, punished and confused. Why is it I feel as though I can not ask, beg for it aid rather that I must request only guidance? Screw your guidance I need fucking neon arrows to the direction I am heading in, hey you a little dark right now. How about a piggy back ?

I am showing up for this wretched existence today I am out of bed, dressed and sober so why do you ante up god..needing a little hallmark right now.

AMEN