I am still not really sure ensued in the next 15 or so mins I can remember not being able to breathe, think or cry, so very sure they has misidentified the man I love there MUST be some mistake but they assured me there was no mistake. These two poor unfortunate bearers of news hung around for the perfunctory 30 mins or so before pressing a couple of cards with the name of the constable who had attended the scene of G's last hours and left with a promise to call and check I was OK ....still waiting for that call ha!!!
I stood in my lounge room waiting for I don't what or for how long, before I switched on my phone and called A the amazing, who had 4 weeks ago moved 3300kms away. And while this darling woman was doing the mundane bothersome chore of buying vegetarian, lactose free groceries in woollies, I splinter both of our lives as I share the chaos that my life has become in moments. I believe I uttered the hardest words that have ever passed my lips I still struggle to say it out loud. G has died!!!
So much distance between me and the only person in the world I could tell this to, was agonizing I wanted her needed her like I never have before I recall really not knowing what I was supposed to do now. So I waited watching the clock tick as I knew his parents were going to call or were they I could not be the one to tell them that their son had gone. I held my breath for 3 hours as I waited till the moment i they dialed my number and I was amazed at their concern for me and their lack of blame.
The first night I slept surprisingly enough and as the sun rose on new day in a whole new world, the phones calls and texts started to come filled with disbelieving sympathy. That same morning , task 1 for the day I spoke the coroners that where G was right now, they told me that I could come to see him before the postmortem. This was thew only time I could do this as G had Hepatitis C they would not close his body up again after they violated it with their autopsy. I had a major melt down about this seriously they couldn't be serious could they. How could they possibly treat me my love with such disregard and disrespect but I could not stop it nor could I pay them to correct it, So after hours of anguish and begging I made the appointment to go see G.
This day,day 2 was when the looks started , as people began to hear the news they would look at me with wounded eyes filled with sympathy and pity. Mumbling the words "I don't know what to say" well guess what I sure as hell don't either. I am still getting those looks I hate it, I am so sorry you are uncomfortable with the pain I am in, I am so sorry you don't have the words to ease my world. God I loathe it when you look at me I know why widows wear veils. This was a very very long day. Calls and look - looks and calls. But A the amazing tells me she will be at my side tomorrow night, thank you god thank you thank you.
Day 3: so off to the coroners to see G with Big C in tow for support and to possibly make sure I do not try to kipnapp my love and take him home where he belongs. I was still so very sure it would not be him and that the police had really screwed it up. As I sat in this sterile ante room my assigned forensic support person Michelle who explained what I would see when she opened the door between us, the fact is that the moment I knew that G ans I were only separated by the gyprock wall anything she said was drowned out by my need to get into that room. So finally she opened the door I was so so sure that it would be some stranger laying there, but my first glimpse screamed at me it wasn't to be. First through the opening door I was his tattooed sleeve OMFG!!!! I recoiled several steps into the broad chest of Big C before I inched towards the now opened door As I stood there taking in that it really was my G laying there I felt drawn to him. One hour she had said I could have one hour, I recall thinking that there was no way I could spend a whole hour in there.
G lay before me on a gurney of some sort dressed in a white hospital gown he had been tucked in with hospital sheets and blankets. His arms out of the covers laying on his chest (writing these words are causing my chest to hurt) I stood beside him looking for a while he looked asleep his lips seemed odd pressed together I want to see his teeth .... I reached tentatively out to touch his skin and while I had heard the dead were cold to touch he was icy like just out of the fridge, the need to warm him was overwhelming. I slowly started to stroke his head he had always loved it when I did this (sharing this is harder that I thought it would be) I cried, I talked, I kissed, I tried to smell him, tried to breathe him deep into my lungs, I pleaded, sobbed, hugged and my hour slipped away like seconds and I had to leave. The awesome Big C whispered to me that I should let G know that I forgave him. Forgive what I asked nothing to forgive but I said the words and in hindsight I am glad G would have needed those words he never wanted to ever cause me a heartbeat of pain...........and I walked away from the man I love.
(so sorry thought I could do all of this in one sitting but I can't . I will be back )
15/6/11 7.06pm
I'm back....
You know at the time I found spending time with G at the morgue kinf of comforting not what I expected but was so anyhow.
The evening of day 3 the Amazing A flew in from the territory to be with me, this is what I needed more than anything I could have. When she hugged me it was the first time I had breathed in three days. This is the woman I do life with she is my mate, my secret vault, she know who I am and loves me anyway...she is my blessing. G would be please she was here.
Day 4 Buying a dress for the funeral .... I love love shopping but today all I needed was a black dress with no care for how it looked I just needed a black dress that fitted me.... G hated it when I wore black he loved colour he love it when I wore red or purple but for this it was black. why I didn't choose something for him I have no idea...I suppose social acceptability.
The evening of Day 4 G's parents arrive from Queensland and we were to meet the Minister (Bob) as I walked in to the lobby of the hotel , there sitting with his parents was his sister. The sister he had not spoken to for over 5 years the sister he had no interest in reconnecting with, the sister whose last conversation with her brother was her berating him for a kindness he had shown to her children. I didn't know she would be there. Not sure how I felt upon seeing her but her she was. As we spoke to Bob about the funeral service his sister weighed in with her opinion of what G would have wanted, I could not believe she was so incredibly wrong about her brother how could she possibly have no idea of who he was and what he believed. This saddened me so that she had missed out on knowing this beautiful man she only knew of his dramas in life it also made me incredibly grateful that G had chosen to share his life with me. The details were worked out. words, speakers and music selected. Was this really happening was I really doing this ?
The sister drove me home after dinner looking for solace in her sadness, I hope said the right words the ones I am sure G wanted me to say. I left her with the knowledge that G was never one to bear grudges he only ever forgave, it was what G did is forgive.
Day 5 The funeral home...OMG the Amazing A drove us to this place it was all blurry details and along with his parents we worked them out the chapel, the papers for the death certificate, the list of organizations to notify..the newspaper notification, the order of service booklet the flowers for the day wither roses from me and yellow from his mother... and then it was time to choose the casket I had forgotten about this, how I don 't know but I had.Somehow I found my self standing in a showroom, listening as the features of each coffin and casket was being spewed at me. As parent suggest a rosewood casket and looked for my approval. My concerns were at the thickness of the mattress and how small the pillow was. I asked that they remove the plastic lining as he was being cremated and I did not want it melt on him as the director explain that due to health regulation they could not do this,,,,I lost it ran from the room gasping to breathe I cant do this I can not choose a box to lay my lover in not possible ...God please make this stop please correct my world please please please. The Amazing A held me close till the gasping and sobbing subsided totally exhausted I just nodded at all the other decisions to be made. No one should ever have to do this no one.
Dinner tonight with friends in Manly our old stomping ground. Don't know what I ate or where we went or who was there aside from my 3 angle girls who held me up, fed me, loved me and made me walk up the steepest hill on the northern beaches. These women had been a part of the fabric of my life both with and before G we have celebrated Christmastime, birthdays, anniversaries success's we had wept together, laughed and giggled, shouted and stamped these were my allies. I love each and everyone of the. And here they were for me grieving too and loving me. So home, with friends in tow to my Jaxie who upon being so excited to have a house full of visitor manage to turn on the stove and almost burn the kitchen down.
Day 6 THE FUNERAL
26/6/11 8.47pm
The morning dawns and I can not believe I have to do this today as the rest of the house lay sleeping I consider running away as far away as I can, as this will somehow not make this day happen. I talk to G in my thought ask for help from somewhere to just be able to stay upright.
We dress in silence, getting ready with the girls as we have done a hundred times before. Though today there is no animated chatter no laughter, no joy in being together like this. For once we are all ready early (this has never happen before) and then we sit, they are looking at me as though I am going to implode I check so many times that I have everything...but of course I don't there is no G to wait for as he primps, preens and changes her shirt four time. Feeling adrift I stare at the TV ,something anything to occupy me hoping they will stop looking at me and exchanging those concerned glances. Then from video hits come AC/DC...Highway to Hell.....what else. G would think this is soooo funny, he was alway an anxious and inappropriate comic in times of extreme stress, OMG he would have love the irony of this song right now. And as we look at each other I realize I am with exactly the right people cause they get this too with no words they just get it.
We go to pick up the gibberers I ordered from the florist as standing around all three in black head to toe making the poor girl in florist crazy, I am sent outside for a cigarette away from the poor flower girl trying to do her job. Amazing A is in a fluster and I don't know what about her tears and hugs confuse me what can be wrong? Could I really have been so blinded by my grief that I could no see anyone else's pain, the answer is apparently yes. As I write this I am beginning to see that I am consumed by this with no consideration for others. So I learn grief is selfish ...now there a post topic.
We drive to the chapel , seeing family and friend I move into social mode ...Hi ..yes I am good and you,,,how are the kids....oh my god how are the kids....yes it's been too long....It is so sad...WHAT THE!!!! why do we do that? Then I see G brother from queensland he hug's me and his size reminds me of G the back of his skull fits into my hand exactly the same way G's does, and I feel the stabbing pain in my chest my throat closing up again like I have swallowed glass. Can I really do this?
I am told that I need to go into the chapel before the service, do I have to ...yes I am told. I walk through the door but nothing prepares me for this sight, I try to back out but Amazing A's arms are around me supporting me guiding me forward. That sight his casket before me laid out with the flowers we chose...it looks too small for my big strong G, he must be squashed inside they assure me he isn't but I so desperately want to open it and check.
I sit before him and all I want is to crawl into that casket to be with him, is that morbid is it wrong do normal people this thoughts like that? I don't leave again I just sit in front of him waiting, faces pass in front of me all with that look the service starts and words are said there are people moving around none of it registers I just stare at that rosewood casket know he is so close. My mind is screaming GET UP , GET UP BABY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WAKE UP . This is not real it can't be not real not real not real not real not real not real.
When his photo montage starts I come back into my body for a bit as I am mermerised by his images, his smiles, his eyes, the colour of his skin, his tattoos, his favorite shirts our holidays, christmas's , bithdays's so many memories of him. I feel my bodt relax into the horrid pew I want this to last forever but it wont and doesn't, the music ceases more words and then they start to take him away. I think about how I could grab the casket and run away , an image of me running up Windsor road with G's in tow flashes though my mind. They place him in the herse, I think abiut getting in the car with them would they let me? I follow as far as I can before someone blocks me from going any futhur they try and hug me but I pull away this is NOT OK.
There are faces, kind words, sweet stories of G, there is baclava the love it, there are cigarette and futrile attempts to escape from people. There are invite and expectations the will never be met. There are promises made that will never be kept. There is the need to comfort one another that will too wane with time. And the entire time I am begging pleading in my mind for this to be a dreadful nightmare that I will wake up from and talk to G about please let this be so. Maybe I am in some coma like an episode from Grey's and I will wake up with fanciful tales to tell. All in all it is a blur like the week that has gone before.
Then we are home I feel nothing numb and sleepy, just numb and sleepy I crawl into bed for a nana nap thinking please let me never wake again.
So this has been that week .... lots of things to do , tasks gave me a purpose but now where do I go from here. They all go home and I am left with me and my thoughts of G......
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