Where do we go when we die?

Today I feel so very lost I want to be with G so badly,  the weight still lays heavy on my chest. As I look at photos of G the disbelief that he gone that I will never see him again is as strong as the day I lost him. When will his death become real and do I want it to. Do I need acceptance will acceptance make it easier. Why do people ask me what my plans are for the week-end the truth is I will be missing G, deep in thought trying to work this out. What do they think I will be doing...out social butterflying.

I want to know where G is right at this moment. I don't have a place for him to go I don't know what to believe in. I am looking for answers that will sit well with me and comfort me but there yet to be one. I suddenly find myself wanting to believe in ghosts and spirits. I beg to hear from him I need to hear from him. I need his guidance and grounding. I am missing my anchor to this world. Where do we go when we die?

Is there a heaven? Is reincarnation real ? Do we go into the light? What has happen to the life force that was G? Is there nothing? Does he feel, can he feel me, hear me...If he does why can't I hear him? The idea that my G is nothing but ashes and dust does not work for me. This has never mattered before but it matters now...it matters a great deal.

I still long to be with him wherever he is. Thoughts of how to make this happen are a daily occurrence for me there seems no point to a life with out him. This world is now incomplete for me there is a great gaping wound in my universe. I walk the streets still hoping this is some perverse nightmare still looking for him all the time.

How long will I do this, how long till  I absorb all this reality. How long till I can function normally again. I have a list on my fridge of things to do each day to ensure I get through just basic things like shower and make my bed because with out it I seem to forget how to live.

My current survival kit consists of strong black sweet coffee, cigarettes (lots of them), neurofen, to do lists and Jatz. This is how I get through every day. Not very healthy but easy. I wondered today if I eliminated the Jatz how long would it take for me to starve to death???? Tell me am I sane ????  Almost 4 weeks I just want some relief if just for a short while.