Where did you go ?

Where did they go? They were all here, all around me, fussing and bothering, intruding and caring.They were all here whether I wanted them or not. And I needed them even if they could do nothing but be in pain with me.

So where are they all now? They call and talk about the light spots and dramas that are unfolding in their days. Then ask how I am doing , I lie say I am doing fine and move on to focus to them. Cause as your lives evolve and grow,  mine feels as though it is diminishing, I am still here wondering what happen and watching the world go by. See me Sooth me Fix me please!

I don't want to tell them it still hurts like crazy. That I have no idea how to put back together my broken heart or if it can ever be put back together the way it was. After a quiet a few seemingly mundane days, I guess I hoped  and prayed the worst was over but the darkness has descended again I don't know why. The past few days have been mostly spent in soggy snotty mess. I even cried at work, for the first time...still not a good look. This week it is all just too much, again.

But all my angles have flown away back to their own lives, I superficially seem to no longer need the intensive care love.  Someone told me this would happen, though I still think that I am so different. That my process will be unique and it is and isn't if that make any sense.

I am back to wanting to know why, but this time with splashes of anger thrown into to the pot just to aggravate the discomfort. This time around there is no wagons to circle me. Just me alone in our home. Missing G more than I did a week ago, more than I did and hour ago.

So would having any of you here help? I doubt it there is only one soul who can repair this and he is not coming home, ever again. How do I live with this? How do I learn to not wait for G?

As I read back over this post it is so pious I want to delete and be inspiring instead. Enlightening and hopeful is not my truth today. Just for today the storm is not abating